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#48850 - 11/20/16 04:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says he can’t tell, but a woodpecker lands on the sapling just then.

The birch says, “You’re a tree expert, Woodpecker. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It’s neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48851 - 11/20/16 04:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives...”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48852 - 11/20/16 04:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48853 - 11/20/16 04:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48854 - 11/20/16 04:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Cultural differences!

Start the day with a smile and get it over with. (W.C. Fields)

How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

Consider this test scenario. A Police Officer Test.

QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

The Canadian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

The Australian Police Officer: BANG!

The American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! ‘Click’ ... Reload ... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click!

The Glasgow, Scotland Police Officer: “Haw, Jimmie! ... Drop the wee knifie reight noo laddie, unless ye want it stuck up yer stupid arse ta further damage yer brains!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48856 - 11/21/16 11:30 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Morty to his vet: “Doc, I have a problem with my dog.”
Dr. Saul: “Tell me more.”

Morty: “He’s a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk.”

Dr. Saul: “That’s impossible!”

Morty: “Watch this. Seth, Fetch!”

Seth: “So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this crappy food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a fast pish and right back home.”

Dr. Saul: “This is remarkable! So what’s the problem?”

Morty: “He has a hearing problem. I said ‘Fetch’, NOT ‘Kvetch’.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48859 - 11/22/16 08:56 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein.


Because he’s dead.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48861 - 11/22/16 12:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
D'ya think he is in Heaven or Hell?

Paper reportedly written by a physics student in response to the following (Bonus) question:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#48862 - 11/23/16 08:05 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Thoughts on aging....

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can’t remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48863 - 11/23/16 08:08 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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