header

Page 266 of 306 < 1 2 ... 264 265 266 267 268 ... 305 306 >
Topic Options
#48832 - 11/17/16 08:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Good ones Ian!
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#48834 - 11/17/16 08:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

Top
#48835 - 11/17/16 08:33 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Chinese lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

“Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

Top
#48838 - 11/18/16 12:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3667
Loc: S/W Missouri
I love it! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#48839 - 11/18/16 08:54 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.”

The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

The redneck went to the finals.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#48843 - 11/19/16 07:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I’m not half as thunk as you might drink.

I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

Top
#48844 - 11/19/16 07:33 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”

Student: “Meat!”

Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”

Student: “Bacon!”

Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”

Student: “Homework!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

Top
#48845 - 11/19/16 07:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”

The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

Top
#48846 - 11/19/16 07:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

Top
#48849 - 11/20/16 02:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3667
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
Page 266 of 306 < 1 2 ... 264 265 266 267 268 ... 305 306 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.