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#48832 - 11/17/16 08:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5210
Loc: Always on the move
Good ones Ian!
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48834 - 11/17/16 08:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6034
Loc: NSW
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
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Ever had one of those days when you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, one sock on and one off, trying to work out if you’re just getting up or getting ready for bed?

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#48835 - 11/17/16 08:33 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6034
Loc: NSW
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Chinese lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

“Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”
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Ever had one of those days when you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, one sock on and one off, trying to work out if you’re just getting up or getting ready for bed?

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#48838 - 11/18/16 12:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3830
Loc: S/W Missouri
I love it! laugh laugh laugh
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#48839 - 11/18/16 08:54 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5210
Loc: Always on the move
The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.”

The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

The redneck went to the finals.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48843 - 11/19/16 07:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6034
Loc: NSW
The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I’m not half as thunk as you might drink.

I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
_________________________


Ever had one of those days when you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, one sock on and one off, trying to work out if you’re just getting up or getting ready for bed?

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#48844 - 11/19/16 07:33 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6034
Loc: NSW
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”

Student: “Meat!”

Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”

Student: “Bacon!”

Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”

Student: “Homework!”
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Ever had one of those days when you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, one sock on and one off, trying to work out if you’re just getting up or getting ready for bed?

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#48845 - 11/19/16 07:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6034
Loc: NSW
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”

The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
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Ever had one of those days when you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, one sock on and one off, trying to work out if you’re just getting up or getting ready for bed?

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#48846 - 11/19/16 07:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6034
Loc: NSW
A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”
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Ever had one of those days when you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, one sock on and one off, trying to work out if you’re just getting up or getting ready for bed?

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#48849 - 11/20/16 02:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3830
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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