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#48757 - 10/30/16 05:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48758 - 10/30/16 05:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Why don't women like to drink beer on the beach?


They don't want to get sand in their Schlitz.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48759 - 10/31/16 11:35 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast..
Pardon me
For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna –
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on thetombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48762 - 10/31/16 05:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He answered, “Call for backup.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48763 - 10/31/16 05:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in a barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves when their barbers reached for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The General immediately shouted “Hey, don’t you go putting any of that stuff on me. My wife will think I have been in a whorehouse.”

The Chief then turned to his barber and said with a wry grin on his face “Go ahead and slap some on me. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48764 - 10/31/16 05:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
His Lordship was in his study when the butler approached and coughed discretely.

“May I ask a question, m’lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson” said his Lordship.

“I’m doing the crossword and I’ve come across a word I am not too clear about.”

“And what word is that?” asks His Lordship

“Aplomb, m’Lord”

“Ah, now that’s a difficult one to explain, Carson. I would say it is self-assurance, or perhaps complete composure.”

“Thank you, m’Lord, but I am still a little confused.”

“Then let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you recall a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend the weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well m’Lord. It gave the staff and me great pleasure to look after them.”

“Also”, continued the Earl, “do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

“I happened to be present on that occasion, m’Lord, administering to their needs.”

“Well, do you recall that, when picking the rose a thorn embedded itself quite deply in Will’s thumb?”

“I witnessed the entire incident, m’lord” said Carson, “and saw the Duchess herself bandage his thumb with her own handkerchief.”

“Then, later that evening the hole from the thorn was very sore so Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was very tender.”

“Yes m’lord, I saw everything that transpired that evening and remember it clearly.”

“And do you also remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship she asked of Will “Darling, does your prick still throb? and you, Carson, did not spill a drop?”

“That is what you call aplomb.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48767 - 10/31/16 06:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere


Aplomb smile


Edited by Carl Theile (10/31/16 06:08 PM)
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#48773 - 11/01/16 08:01 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Q: Why don’t chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48774 - 11/01/16 03:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A young priest is walking down the street, a hooker walks up to him and says,” A quickie for five bucks”, this confuses the priest so he keeps walking, pretty soon another hooker says the same thing, “ a quickie for five bucks”, by now the priest is totally confused, so he gets to the church and goes to the reverend mother and asks” reverend mother, what’s a ‘quickie’?. She says, “Same as around town, five bucks”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48775 - 11/01/16 03:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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