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#48704 - 10/18/16 03:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all. An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans ... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48706 - 10/18/16 07:02 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Must be contagious. I'm headed that way myself! (read: all I can do is THINK about it.... ) wink

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#48713 - 10/20/16 11:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gate-keeper to plead their case for entering paradise.
So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: “I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter.”

The gate-keeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse then says, ” I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best.”

The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.

“And you?” He asks the third nurse.

“I was a case manager for a HMO. I worked with thousands of patients.” She answers confidently.

The gate-keeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman’s file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven…for five days!”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48717 - 10/21/16 10:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

“WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

“ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48720 - 10/22/16 01:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
(Grin)
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#48723 - 10/22/16 05:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
Will Rogers once said
“There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48724 - 10/22/16 05:36 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
When I was young in 1970’s, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered ‘spine’ are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48725 - 10/22/16 05:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
A little boy in Newfoundland, wanted $100.00 for something very special. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48726 - 10/22/16 05:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?” The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.” “I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at the convent, we call it ‘Catholic shampoo.’” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48727 - 10/22/16 05:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6350
Loc: NSW
A beautiful young lady had a very nice boyfriend. The boyfriend had to go on a business trip that would require him to be gone for about a month, so he asked his lovely girlfriend if she would mind taking care of his parrot while he was away. So she said of course not.

The first morning that the parrot was at her place, she walked past his cage on her way to the bathroom. The parrot commented, “My, what a pretty pair of blue panties.” The girl was a little taken aback that a parrot could distinguish colors like that. Just to check on whether he actually could tell the difference in colors, she wore yellow panties the next day. The parrot commented, “My, what a pretty pair of yellow panties.” This sort of amazed the girl, so she decided to really test the parrot. The next day she wore green panties and the parrot correctly identified the color. The following day she wore red ones with the same results. She then went through all of her panties trying to trip the parrot up. Nope, he correctly identified them all. So the girl thought she would really try to stump the parrot by not wearing any panties at all. As she walked by the parrot’s cage, he said, “How are you fixed for razor blades.”!!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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