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#48410 - 09/03/16 02:06 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh

Such wisdom! laugh
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#48415 - 09/04/16 04:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Ethel checked into a Motel on her 50th Birthday she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now ... Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!

Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48416 - 09/04/16 04:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
This guy was in a Starbucks Cafe recently when his stomach started rumbling and realized that he desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, He timed his farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs he started to feel much better. As he finished his coffee he noticed everyone was staring at him. That’s when he suddenly remembered ... that he was listening to his iPod. This is what happens when old people start using technology!!!
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48417 - 09/04/16 04:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay.

“I’ll paint ya in da nude alright. but I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.”...
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48418 - 09/04/16 04:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire-fighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck, ‘ the fire-fighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks, ‘ the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner, ‘ the fire-fighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48419 - 09/04/16 04:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
I pointed to two ‘old farts’ across the bar from us and told my friend Bob, “That’ll be us in ten years.” He turned to me and said, “That’s a mirror, you dumb shit.” grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48429 - 09/07/16 08:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Beer Drinking 101

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
Fault: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don’t remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48430 - 09/07/16 08:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A fellow was boasting about what a good citizen he was and what a refined, disciplined lifestyle he led. “I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t gamble, I don’t cheat on my wife, I am early to bed and early to rise, I work hard all day, and attend religious services faithfully.”
Very impressive, right? Then he added, “I’ve been like this for the last five years, but just you wait until they let me out of this place!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48431 - 09/07/16 08:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Ignoranus: adj. Someone who is both stupid and an asshole.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48432 - 09/07/16 08:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Thomas is 32 years old and still single. One day, a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution. Just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Thomas replied, “Now my father doesn’t like her.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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