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#48328 - 08/23/16 05:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48329 - 08/23/16 11:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A Man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My goodness!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48330 - 08/23/16 11:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, “I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... ‘Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.’”

The second guy says, “I’m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ‘Double Income, No Kids Yet.’”

The third guy says, “I’m a R.U.B., you know... ‘Rich, Urban, Biker.’”

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ‘Double Income, Little Dog Owner.’”

They turn to the woman and ask her. “What are you?”

She replies: “I’m a WIFE, you know ... Wash, Iron, #uck, Etc”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48338 - 08/24/16 05:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Alberta. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing, but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if the storm gets much worse, he may have to let her in. grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48339 - 08/24/16 06:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh

Even my wife got a laugh out of that one! grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#48344 - 08/25/16 05:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
A farmer named Gerry Drover had a car accident. He was hit by a PEI potato truck owned by the MacLean Company.

In court, the Maclean Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Gerry.

‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.

Gerry responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da... ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Gerry said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road... ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Gerry’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Gerry thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Maclean potato truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘Mr. Drover, how are you feelin’?’... ‘Now yer honor, wot da fock would you say?’
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48346 - 08/25/16 11:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.
Lesson: If you’re a good driver, watch out for women who are turning.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#48349 - 08/25/16 11:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Amen!!! laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#48363 - 08/28/16 11:56 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?” he asked the priest.

The priest said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:30?
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#48364 - 08/28/16 12:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6450
Loc: NSW

If my body were a car...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my point job is getting a little dull... “But” that’s not the worst of it!

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best weather.

My whitewall are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But Here’s The Worst Of It...

Almost Every Time I sneeze, Cough Or Sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks Or My Exhaust Backfires!!!!!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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