header

Page 247 of 356 < 1 2 ... 245 246 247 248 249 ... 355 356 >
Topic Options
#48186 - 08/04/16 01:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
That on had me laughing right out loud Ian.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#48187 - 08/04/16 04:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. “What the heck are you doing Mick?” says Paddy. “Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me”, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#48188 - 08/05/16 09:40 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#48189 - 08/05/16 09:40 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
The best way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on it.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
#48192 - 08/06/16 07:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived, there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver, “You know,” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, “ I know we are supposed to enforce the law... , but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh... , so it’s the president?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s JESUS ... because He’s got BILLY GRAHAM for a chauffeur!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#48193 - 08/06/16 07:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
I decided to go to the local mosque for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today. I told him I wasn’t paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot. He came back and laid his hands on me again and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: “By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today.

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside -- and guess what!! --

MY CAR WAS GONE!!!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#48194 - 08/06/16 07:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A mother took her five-year-old son with her when she went to the local bank.

They queued behind a very fat woman, wearing a business suit, complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

“Wow Mum, she’s fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet.

A couple more minutes passed and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced;

“I bet her bum has to be this wide!”

The fat woman turned around and glared malevolently at the little boy.

The mother reacted immediately and whilst showing some embarrassment gave the boy a real tongue lashing about politeness and good manners and told him to be quiet or else.

Others in the queue hid faces behind hands in an endeavour to hide their mirth found in the innocence of the child’s remarks.

There was a brief period of relative quiet and as the large woman reached the front of the queue her pager suddenly went off emitting a loud “beep, beep, beep.”

The little boy screamed out as loud as he could

“Run for your life, she’s reversing!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#48199 - 08/06/16 09:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#48207 - 08/08/16 05:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
The head of the Somali Olympic Team has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#48219 - 08/10/16 11:59 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.
For years, he refused… told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

“So,” I said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

He just looked at me and said, “I, stand corrected.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

Top
Page 247 of 356 < 1 2 ... 245 246 247 248 249 ... 355 356 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.