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#47864 - 06/19/16 06:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles...

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife...

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

“So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#47865 - 06/19/16 06:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep, ‘ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#47866 - 06/19/16 06:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A famous London lawyer runs a stop sign in a rural area outside of Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any local Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense.

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

Big-shot London lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#47877 - 06/20/16 04:04 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
I love it!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#47891 - 06/22/16 10:49 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
You’re Not a Kid Anymore When…


You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.

The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You’re proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of “sleeping in.”

You don’t remember when you got that mole…or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.


Edited by Drumrboy (06/22/16 10:49 AM)
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47895 - 06/22/16 05:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf so he puts his name down at the local Club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down, so off he goes down to the Club to ask the reason why!

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish Golf Club?

Scot: Aye, and I am as Scottish as ye are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Och, away with ye, I ken ye have tae be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen, and I ken ye have tae be a Catholic tae becoom a Knight of Saint Columba, but this is the first time I ever heard ye had tae be a complete prick tae join a Golf Club!!!
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#47925 - 06/27/16 09:51 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.

“A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47932 - 06/28/16 07:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Two Irish men were digging a ditch in the red light district of town. The ditch was deep enough that when they stood their eyes were just above the side of the ditch.

Mike stood up and gazed down the street.

Spike, Spike, Would look at this.

Down the street that is Reverend Brown going into that bawdy house. Tis a terrible shame for a man of the cloth to patronize such a place.

So saying they went back to work. About ten minutes later, Spike stood looked down the street. Mike, Mike look at this.

That is Rabi Finklestien going into the same bawdy house. It’s just such sad thing for a man of the cloth to behave like this.

So saying they returned to work.

Twenty minutes later. They both stood to rest their backs. Looking down the street both saw

Father O Reilly entering the same establishment.

They looked silently at each other.

Mike said, “There must sure be someone very sick in there.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#47933 - 06/28/16 07:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The American woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, “Have you ever been %&#$@!?”

The man broke into a big smile and said, “No.”

She said, “You will be when the tide comes in.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#47934 - 06/28/16 07:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.

The nurse asks him, “Kenny! What are you doing?”

Kenny replies, “Can’t talk right now I’m driving to Melbourne!”

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kenny’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, “Well Kenny, how was your trip?”

Kenny says, “I’m exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.”

“That’s great,” replied the nurse, “I’m glad you had a safe trip.”

The nurse leaves Kenny’s room, and then goes across the hall into another patient’s room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, “Davo what are you doing!?”

To which Davo replies, “Shhh, I’m shagging Kenny’s wife while he’s in Melbourne.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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