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#47745 - 06/04/16 05:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have Some hot Wings and ice tea. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators". I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#47746 - 06/04/16 05:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my gas to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece) - and how was your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology!) grin
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#47747 - 06/04/16 05:56 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words. Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room. “I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!”

*****************

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.

“He’s got a great tan,” Mrs Doolan from next door mused. “The holiday did him the world of good.”

“And he looks so calm and serene,” said Mrs McGuiness.

“That’s because he died in his sleep.” explained Mrs Murphy, “and he doesn’t know he’s dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!”

*****************

“Your glass is empty O’Flaherty, will you be having another?”

“And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?” replied O’Flaherty.

****************

Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.

“Is that you Murphy?” called his wife.

“Byjasis! It damned well better be!”

***************

Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.

“Are ya dead?” cried Gallagher from above.

“To be sure I am,” replied Murphy.

“You are such a liar Murphy that I don’t know whether to believe you or not!” called Gallagher.

“That proves I’m dead,” said Murphy’s voice from the rubble below, “because if I was alive you wouldn’t be game to call me a liar!”

*****************

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.

“It’s best if we split up,” said Paddy. “I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock”.

Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.

“Where the hell did you get that?”

Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.

“She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car,” said Paddy.

“Good choice too,” said Shamus. “You’d look ridiculous in her clothes.”

*******************

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.

“What have you there?” said a suspicious customs officer.

“Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me”, said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. “ Why it’s Irish whiskey.” he spluttered.

“Lord bless me.” said Paddy, “another bloomin’ miracle.”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#47749 - 06/04/16 06:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
And, I realized recently that you cannot buy beer (at my age). I can only rent it.
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#47762 - 06/05/16 05:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through

his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.”

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.

“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore, ‘ so I thanked him and left!”
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#47763 - 06/05/16 05:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The Norskie’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded.

‘Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’

The Norkski immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.’

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’

She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?’

She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb ... Tidy yerself up a bit.’
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#47764 - 06/05/16 06:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
At the end of the tax year, the ATO sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said ?I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
??What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete *rick."
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#47767 - 06/06/16 09:29 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified…
“Only twenty years of normal sex life?” Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But, I don’t need twenty years, “protested the monkey. “Ten years is plenty for me.”

Man spoke up eagerly, “Can I have the other ten years?” The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, “can I have the other ten years?” The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, “can I have the other ten years?”

And so, it all makes perfect sense now… Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47770 - 06/06/16 11:17 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Quote:
and about once a year they send us a complete *rick."


Could not resist- sent that one to an IRS auditor I know ...and yes, I am prepared for an audit. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#47773 - 06/06/16 02:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Ian, you still have me laughing! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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