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#46969 - 03/10/16 10:14 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.
A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. “Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?”

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

“Maybe it’s because we arranged it so that you didn’t have to learn to speak German.”

The group became silent.
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#46971 - 03/10/16 02:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Very true! grin
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#46973 - 03/10/16 06:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang ... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting. A personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just playing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#46974 - 03/10/16 06:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? (Answers are below.)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. 40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years standing in line.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, scroll down for the answers

They are all TRUE! Now go back and think about 16!
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#46995 - 03/12/16 09:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Murray was a furniture salesman In 1994. Murray sold more furniture for his company than any salesman in the history of the company. As a reward, his company sent him to Paris for a week, all expenses paid.
One evening, Murray was sitting at a bar in Paris, and noticed an attractive young lady. Being lonely, Murry wanted to ask her out, but alas, he spoke no French. So Murray grabbed a pencil and paper and drew a picture of a couple dining out. Upon showing the picture to the young lady, she nodded and they left for dinner.

After dinner, Murray drew a picture of a couple dancing, with a band in the background. Once again, upon showing the picture to the young lady, she nodded and they enjoyed a night of dancing.

After a while they sat down to rest. The young lady grabbed the pencil and paper and drew a picture of a large 4-poster bed.

To this day, Murray has no idea how she knew… that he was into furniture!
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#46998 - 03/12/16 09:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
That is just SICK!

-carl
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You are not out of options until you quit.

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#47032 - 03/15/16 11:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
The O'Leary's emigrated to the US to give their child a better chance at life. Once settled, they enrolled their son in the first grade at the neighborhood elementary school.

The first day, the boy ran home and said, "Da! You're going to be so proud of me, Da. I'm the only one in my whole class that knows me numbers from one to ten!"

The boy's father said, "Sure and I'm proud of you boy! And do you know why you're so smart?"

The boy asked "Why, Da? Why?"

His father replied, "It's because you Irish, it is, lad. Because you're Irish!"

The very next day, the boy ran into the house and shouted, "Da! Da! I'm also the only one in my class who knows me letters from A to Zed. Are you proud of me, Da?"

"I'm really proudof you boy. And remember, it's because you're Irish that you're so smart!"

The third day, the boy came home and said "Da. We all went to the bathroom at school today and I looked to me left, then looked to me right and, Da, they are all so small and I'm so big! Is it because I'm Irish, is it, Da?"

His father replied, "For God's sake lad, it's not because you're Irish; it's because you're 18 years old!"
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#47033 - 03/15/16 11:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
I bought beautiful Lab Puppy by the name of Cocoa as a surprise present for my wife, but, as it turns out, she's allergic to dogs.

So, unfortunately, I am going to have to find a new home for her and I would like to know if anyone out there can help?

Her name is Jenny, she just turned 59, she is 5'2", has a good job, is a great cook and drives a really nice car...
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#47040 - 03/16/16 04:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed ………………..+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…. 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………….-1

You leave the toilet seat up………….-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty………… 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom………..-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5

in the snow……………+8

but return with beer……….-5

and no liners………………..-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night……. 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing………… 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……….+5

You pummel it with a six iron………..+10

It’s her cat…………………….-40

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner……………. 0

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1

Okay, it is a sports bar……….-2

And it’s all-you-can-eat night….-3

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team……-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal…………………….+5

The pal is happily married…………+4

Or frighteningly single……………-7

And he drives a Ferrari……………-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie……………+2

You take her to a movie she likes…..+4

You take her to a movie you hate……+6

You take her to a movie you like……-2

It’s called Death Cop 3……………-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans….-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly………….-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it………………………….+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…….-30

You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)

She asks, “Do I look fat?”

You hesitate in responding…..-10

You reply, “Where?”…………-35

Any other response………….-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression…… 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes………………..+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…………………………….+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep….-200
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#47041 - 03/16/16 04:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” God said, “Let us see if Jesus did any better.”

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished. He stuttered, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckled. “Jesus Saves” he said.
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