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#46654 - 02/09/16 03:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Little Johnny saw his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car driving into the woods, the undressing, lying down on the seat...

"and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46655 - 02/09/16 03:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46660 - 02/11/16 03:11 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Amen!!! grin grin grin
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#46662 - 02/11/16 09:10 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut, and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded


Edited by Drumrboy (02/11/16 09:11 AM)
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Old School Swamp Rat

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#46663 - 02/11/16 09:14 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A born-and-bred New Yorker is in the country when he sees a field of animals and says to the farmer. “What a strange looking cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?”
“Well, there are several reasons,” the farmer replies. “Some cows get their horns late, while others have their horns cut off, and still others never even grow horns.”

“And this cow?” the city man asks.

“Well, the reason this cow doesn’t have any horns is because it’s a horse.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

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#46665 - 02/11/16 04:09 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Yep, sounds about right. grin
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46667 - 02/12/16 09:56 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
You Know You’re Old When…

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
You enjoy watching the news.
The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair USED to be.
You’re proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style–TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of “sleeping in.”
You write thank you notes without being told.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
You don’t like to drive after dark.
You say the words “Turn that music down!”
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You rake the yard without being told to.
You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.
You start your conversation with; “When I was younger”.
The highlight of your week is playing bingo.
You understand the dangers of drinking.
Some asks you; “What did you used to do?” or “How did they used to do it when you were my age?”
Pogo sticks look more like a form of punishment than fun.
You have your chiropractor on your speed dial.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#46668 - 02/12/16 09:57 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Words for clever people:

1. ARBITRATOR – A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.
2. BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through.
4. AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. HEROES – What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES – What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX – Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF – What trees do in the spring.
12. RUBBERNECK – What you do to relax your wife.
13. SELFISH – What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official.
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#46670 - 02/13/16 08:10 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Wife: “Where the hell have you been?” You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”
Husband: “I’m so sorry, honey, but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife: “I want the truth, and I want it NOW!”

Husband: “Fine. We finished in less than 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse,golf hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button, but on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course, I refuse it, but then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She’s such a sweetie, I said ‘yes.’

Before you know it, one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I’m in her room… clothes are flying… the talking stopped… and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30 pm. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There, you wanted the truth, you got it.”

Wife: “Don’t lie to me. You played 36 holes, didn’t you!?!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#46671 - 02/13/16 02:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The wedding night found Dan and Lorraine in a posh suite at the Hyatt, a bottle of
champagne by the bed. Pulling a sexy negligee out of her suitcase, Lorraine was startled
when Dan tossed her a pair of his pants and told her to put them on.
They fell down in a pool around her ankles. “Honey, I can’t wear your pants,” she
protested, coming around the bed to hand them back to him.
“Damn straight, and don’t you forget it,” ordered the new husband. “I’m the man and I
wear the pants in this family.”
Lorraine slipped out of her panties and tossed them to Dan. “Put these on, darling,” she
asked sweetly.
Of course Dan couldn’t pull the little scrap of lace past his knees. “I can’t get into your
pants, Lorraine,” he complained.
“That’s right,” she snapped. “And it’s going to stay that way until you change your damn
attitude!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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