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#46189 - 12/18/15 03:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Mickey and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Mickey didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Mickey hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Mickey lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Mickey, but one day, Bob approached the park and --lo and behold -- there sat Mickey!

Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Mickey, what in the world happened to you?

Mickey replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well, ' Mickey said, 'you know Jane, that cute little bartender/waitress at the restaurant where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah, ' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46196 - 12/18/15 11:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Hell to get old! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#46199 - 12/19/15 01:34 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The regular taster at a winery died, and the director started looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to try.

The drunk took a mouthful and said:

'It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass...

"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, 8 more years for finest results"

"Correct."

A third glass...

"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive." the drunk said calmly.

The owner was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. And if I don't get the job, ... I'll name the father."
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46200 - 12/19/15 01:43 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter, ' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle

box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was an enormous 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well, ' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box, ' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will, ' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46206 - 12/19/15 10:08 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A man brings his girlfriend into his room and tells her to sit down “There is something I have to tell you.”
She replies “What is it?”

He tells her “I don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore.”

She immediately jumps up and screams at him “I never want to see you again!”

The man, dumbfounded, says to himself “Well that was a waste of a $5,000 engagement ring…”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#46208 - 12/19/15 03:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46210 - 12/19/15 03:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Great ones fellas. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#46213 - 12/19/15 03:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
For sure!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#46221 - 12/20/15 05:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#46222 - 12/20/15 06:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Interesting. It did seem a strange tradition. Say, Ian, what do you blokes run for Christmas trees? Do you flock them? wink

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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