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#45388 - 10/06/15 10:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.


"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.


"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch; it's a Ferrari."
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Old School Swamp Rat

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#45390 - 10/07/15 12:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#45391 - 10/07/15 07:25 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge outside San Antonio one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump! Think of your dear mother and father!”
“Mom and Dad are both dead,” he said sadly, then turned back toward his doom. “I’m going to jump!”

“Wait!” she said. “Think of your wife and children!”

“My wife left me,” he replied, “and I don’t have any kids.”

“Well, then,” she said, grasping at straws, “think of the Alamo!”

He replied, “What’s the Alamo?”

“Well bless your heart,” she said. “Just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

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#45393 - 10/07/15 08:26 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Joshua R. Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2872
Very good ones guys.

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#45398 - 10/08/15 12:20 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
LOL good ones, DB
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#45399 - 10/08/15 12:37 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
An American tourist (female) is vacationing in

Scotland and taking golf lessons. The instructor gives her a lecture about the greatness of the golf sport in Scotland. "We even play in winter when there's snow on the ground. Then we play with red balls, of course."

The tourist giggles. "You really shouldn't wear those kilts when it's freezing."
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#45400 - 10/08/15 12:40 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#45401 - 10/08/15 12:41 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
Bob and Tom bought a camel, and, since they had spent all their money on the camel, had no vehicle, and rode the camel all over. One day,

Bob leaned over to Tom, and observed, "Ya know,

Tom, I think there's something wrong with our camel!"

Tom, puzzled, replied, "Why do you say that? He eats ok, lets us ride him all over town, never seems unhappy. How could there be something wrong with our camel?"

Bob revealed, "Ya know, I have to wonder if there's a birth defect or something. I keep hearing people saying, just after we pass by,

'Hey! What's wrong with the two assholes on that camel!'".
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#45407 - 10/08/15 09:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#45408 - 10/10/15 10:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
It was hailed as a medical breakthrough in fertility treatments when a 74-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, a crowd of neighbors and relatives came to visit.

“May we see the new baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and another visitor asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When he cries!” she told them.

“When he cries?” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until he cries?”

“Because,” she said. “I forgot where I put him, OK?!”
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Never Stop Trying

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