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#45337 - 10/03/15 11:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
Many teachers need a dose of reality! laugh laugh
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#45350 - 10/05/15 02:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck, ' the fire-fighter said with admiration.

'Thanks, ' the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer.

The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner, ' the fire-fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,

I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#45351 - 10/05/15 02:48 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper

Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well, ' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary

Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly

DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.

Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#45359 - 10/05/15 10:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Great one, Ian!

-carl
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You are not out of options until you quit.

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#45368 - 10/05/15 07:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
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Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4057
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#45383 - 10/06/15 06:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6516
Loc: NSW
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said,

"You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you

$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

"Everything but my earrings."
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#45384 - 10/06/15 10:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move


A soldier ran up to a nun and out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq . The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
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Never Stop Trying

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#45385 - 10/06/15 10:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Judy had always been the kind of woman who turned heads. From high school on, she attracted the attention of the male of the species and was quite proud that this was the case.

Time marches on and Judy, on her 49th birthday, began to question whether she still had "it". She had done everything she could to maintain her looks, diet, nutrition, exercise, all the right clothes, but as women are wont to do, she needed to hear some positive reinforcement from someone else. Feeling a little down, Judy put on one of her hip hugging skirts and the thinnest of thin cashmere sweaters and headed to town to run her errands. First stop- post office. The clerk was a man about 30 years old. After she had transacted her business, she asked him: "How old do you think I am"? The man looked at her, then answered: "I'd say about 32". Judy replied: "My, thank you, but actually I turn 49 today!"

Judy was pleased to hear this, so feeling a little better and a little bolder, she went to her next stop, the dry cleaner. There, after picking up her clothes, she asked the young, male attendant: 'How old do you think I am." He though for a moment and answered: "Boy, um...maybe 29?" Judy was elated at this point. She quizzed him: "You're not just trying to make me feel good are you?" He said: "No, I'm being as honest as I can and you look 29 to me." Judy blurted out "Well, I'm 49 today and noe I'm feeling pretty good about it!"

Judy was walking about a foot off the pavement at this point. The strenuous exercise, the eating right and denying herself, the facial creams and avoiding the sun for all those years was paying off! Just then, Judy passed a bus stop. There was the most grandfatherly and kind figure of a man she had ever seen. She couldn't resist just one more ego boost. She struck up a conversation asking him: "Sir, I'm just curious, how old would you say I am?" He looked toward her and gestured to his glasses: "Missy, my eyes are failing me, so I'll have to look at you really closely." She said: "That's fine". With that, the older man began looking her over from every angle, front to back, up and down. After a moment he said: "Sorry, Missy, I still can't see well, but since my eyes have been failing, I've learned to tell a person's looks with my hands, do you mind?" Judy din't hesitate and said: 'Go ahead." At that, the elderly man began feeling her face...but it didn't end there, he then progressed to her back, back to her face, then her....front, all over, nothing left untested, then her legs...after a couple minutes of that Judy stepped back saying: "Don't you think that's enough? Can you guess how old I am or not?" The elderly man stated: "49, today."

Judy was stunned....she stammered: "That's exactly right...How were you able to tell." The old man tipped his hat back and with a twinkle in his eye said: "I was behind you at the post office."
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Never Stop Trying

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#45386 - 10/06/15 10:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road in front of a limo making it's way down a dark Iowa country road late at night. The driver doesn't have time to stop the limo and smashes into the hefer before coming to a stop.

The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive and abusive manner, says to her chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow. How could you not see it standing there in the road?"

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeares to be very old.

Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there about what you did."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated with a full belly, his hair ruffled, and a huge grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the woman. "You were gone for hours."

The chauffeur replies, "It was the darndest thing. After I explained what happened, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asked the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Hillary Clinton's limo driver, and I just killed the old cow."
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#45387 - 10/06/15 10:11 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. ''How much do you want for the mower?'' asked the preacher. ''I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle'', said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, ''Will you take my bike in trade for it?'' The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, ''Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'' The preacher took the mower and began to try to start it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, ''I can't get this mower to start.''

The little boy said, ''That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.''

The preacher said, ''I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.''

The little boy looked at him happily and said, ''Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!''
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Never Stop Trying

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