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#45218 - 09/23/15 07:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A young man and let's say his name is Frank just to be fair, moved out from home and into a new apartment. All on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me.'
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#45229 - 09/24/15 09:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
That one made me laugh. Great one Ian.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#45244 - 09/25/15 05:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3433
Loc: S/W Missouri
You're not alone D/B! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#45248 - 09/26/15 03:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Joe takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, “Come on in.’

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people who broke my window?’

‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars per year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.

‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’

‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’

‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said . ‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#45261 - 09/26/15 10:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
That last one... nearly lost a mouthful of coffee.

-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#45263 - 09/27/15 02:20 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3433
Loc: S/W Missouri
I saw that one coming! grin
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#45294 - 09/28/15 08:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn’t have a rifle.
“That’s no problem, son,” said the sergeant. “Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go ‘Bangety Bang Bang’.”

“But what about a bayonet, Sarge?” asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. “Here, use this… just go, ‘Stabity Stab Stab’.”

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

“Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” It’s no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, “Tankety Tank Tank.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#45295 - 09/28/15 10:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Louie.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Louie says, 'I have a question for YOU.'

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Louie replied, 'The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.'
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#45296 - 09/28/15 10:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two working girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to produce an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UMPH!

Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UMPH!

Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UMPH!"

This goes on for the whole hour.

Later, back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?

I couldn't get on the bed!
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#45297 - 09/28/15 10:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa." Father said, "Why did you say good-bye granddad?" The little girl said, "I don't know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do." The next afternoon the granddad died.

Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:

"God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next afternoon the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock.

Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late.

What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it.

I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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