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#36085 - 04/28/14 06:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Joshua R. Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2825
Hopefully he swallows me whole. I will kick the crap out of his internal organs.

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#36095 - 04/29/14 01:49 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Joshua R.]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3557
Loc: S/W Missouri
The shark would probably spit your whole out! whistle....................... laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#36099 - 04/29/14 08:54 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#36101 - 04/29/14 02:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Private Klink]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Private Klink
The shark would probably spit your whole out! whistle....................... laugh laugh laugh


Good one, Klink.

-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#36105 - 04/29/14 03:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3557
Loc: S/W Missouri
Good one Jon!!! laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#36184 - 05/04/14 10:26 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
I’ve never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#36185 - 05/04/14 01:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
worldwood Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 01/17/13
Posts: 3292
Loc: Under your bed




Edited by worldwood (05/04/14 01:37 PM)
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#36186 - 05/04/14 04:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
I&#146;ve never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don&#146;t listen, they don&#146;t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


Just (another) one of those imponderables associated with women. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#36197 - 05/05/14 05:20 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

grin
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#36198 - 05/05/14 05:37 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
Why Tazers are not allowed in Australia for Self Defence


*Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.* *A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:*

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

*The directions said that:* a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

*Note:* If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

- My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. - The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. - My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. - My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. - I had no control over the drooling. - Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. - I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

*PS:* My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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