header

Page 237 of 240 < 1 2 ... 235 236 237 238 239 240 >
Topic Options
#47863 - 06/17/19 05:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’

Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault ... women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman...

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police... ‘
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

Top
#47870 - 06/17/19 06:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3557
Loc: S/W Missouri
I saw that one a mile away! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#47881 - 06/18/19 06:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

“Hello.”

“Mrs. Sanders, please.”

“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well ... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.

“Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husbands off somewhere in the middle of town.

If one finds his way home, don’t sleep with him
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

Top
#47882 - 06/18/19 06:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.” The first man asks “Can I make a wish? “ Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says “ I want a Million Bucks “ The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead And the guy says to the other “ Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn’t he?” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

Top
#47886 - 06/18/19 09:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3557
Loc: S/W Missouri
An oldie but goody! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#48008 - 07/20/19 05:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said “Rose, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor - when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there”. Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you”.

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her “Barb, Barb”.

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Barb it’s me, Rose”. “You’re not Rose! Rose just died!” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?” “In Heaven” replied Rose. “I have some really good news, and a little bad news”.

“Tell me the good news first” said Barb. “The good news” Rose said “is that there’s softball in Heaven! Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again! Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired”.

“That’s fantastic” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday”.
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

Top
#48009 - 07/20/19 05:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect: 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over ... the ‘Tell me when we’re having fun’ kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage”.

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.

Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving ... even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees ... somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It was the stupidest thing you ever saw” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare arse hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift”. “So, how’d you break your arm?”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

Top
#48010 - 07/20/19 05:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said. “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday ... but I go fishing on Fridays!!”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

Top
#48016 - 07/22/19 01:30 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3557
Loc: S/W Missouri
Now THAT^^^ is a die-hard fisherman! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
#48032 - 07/27/19 07:27 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3557
Loc: S/W Missouri
My wife said she wanted to go to a restaurant where you can watch them prepare your food, so I took her to Subway sandwich shop. grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

Top
Page 237 of 240 < 1 2 ... 235 236 237 238 239 240 >


Moderator:  Carl Theile, Joshua R.