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#46461 - 01/14/16 08:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
I was alone and very depressed last night, so I called a Life Line. Got a friggin’ Call Center in Pakistan by mistake. Told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. Bastards.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#46462 - 01/15/16 08:53 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope shook his head and said no to the offer.

Two weeks later the businessman approached the Pope again, this time with a 50 million dollar offer.

Again the Pope declined.

A month later the man offers 100 million, and this time the Pope accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision.

“I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.”
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Never Stop Trying

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#46463 - 01/15/16 12:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
There's an earthquake, and this abbey/monastery is destroyed, and several nuns are killed... They are standing in line in heaven, waiting to enter the pearly gates.

The 1st one approaches St. Peter, and he says, "Welcome sister Mary, I only need to ask you one question before entering into eternal paradise. Have you ever touched a penis?"
Sister Mary, embarrassed, bows her head and says "yes... One time I touched the tip of one with just my pinkie." St Peter says, "do not worry sister Mary, there is grace and healing, dip your pinkie in this holy water, and enter your paradise." So she does and enters.

Next in line was Sister Rebecca...St. Peter says, “Sister Rebecca, I must ask you the same question, Have you ever touched a penis?” Sister Rebecca says, “Yes i did, St. Peter. This one time i held one with my right hand.” He says, “Do not fret Sister Rebecca, dip your hand in this bowl, and you will be cleansed of this sin, and enter your paradise.” Sister Rebecca does this and enters her eternal reward.

Suddenly there arose a ruckus in the line behind Sister Rebecca...
Sister Odell was cutting in front of everyone and moving to the front of the line....St. Peter says, “Ladies Ladies, we have all of eternity, there is no need to be in a hurry. Sister Odell what seems to be the problem?”
Sister Odell responds, “Well, I figured if I’m gonna have to gargle this stuff, I’d better do it before Sister Theresa has to put her ass in it.”
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Never Stop Trying

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#46465 - 01/15/16 05:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
Civilization at the end of 2015

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Children – Mannerless

We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!

I'm scared –Shitless!
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#46466 - 01/15/16 05:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4913
Loc: NSW
Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

----------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father, ' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall, ' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

---------------------------

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk...

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

-----------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column 20 that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

----------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water, ' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

-------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over, ' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really, ' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

---------------------------

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room...

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well, ' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#46467 - 01/16/16 08:27 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor. “It really works.”

“Not a chance,” says she. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“No problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” he asked.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“I don’t understand,” said the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good”?

“Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#46469 - 01/17/16 11:28 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Trumby
Civilization at the end of 2015

&#149; Our Phones &#150; Wireless
&#149; Cooking &#150; Fireless
&#149; Cars &#150; Keyless
&#149; Food &#150; Fatless
&#149; Tires &#150;Tubeless
&#149; Youth &#150; Jobless
&#149; Leaders &#150; Shameless
&#149; Relationships &#150; Meaningless
&#149; Attitudes &#150; Careless
&#149; Babies &#150; Fatherless
&#149; Feelings &#150; Heartless
&#149; Children &#150; Mannerless

We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!

I'm scared &#150;Shitless!


Me too brudda, me too.

-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#46477 - 01/17/16 11:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#46478 - 01/17/16 11:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"

And the husband began — "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued – "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'"
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#46479 - 01/17/16 11:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.


A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”


“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.


“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.


“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing.


We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”


The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.


“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.


As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.


“Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”
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Never Stop Trying

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