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#44853 - 08/27/15 01:23 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3523
Loc: S/W Missouri
These are GREAT!!! grin grin grin
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#44863 - 08/29/15 12:28 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44864 - 08/29/15 01:48 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin?

Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44865 - 08/29/15 01:48 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44866 - 08/29/15 01:49 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya tink ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44873 - 08/29/15 11:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
During a lady’s medical examination, the British doctor says, “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! …. Just stick out your tongue!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44874 - 08/29/15 11:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,”What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44877 - 08/30/15 03:04 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3523
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44887 - 08/31/15 09:51 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44918 - 09/02/15 05:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El-Indio, Texas, leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrel shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's Ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But ... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid. grin
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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