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#44968 - 09/07/15 12:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make sure you have plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this vital information. After a few moments a man, named Bill, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Donít bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, thatíll freak you right out.

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#44969 - 09/07/15 12:15 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
_________________________



Donít bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, thatíll freak you right out.

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#44970 - 09/07/15 12:24 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.

I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauted in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken-a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila anger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" ... it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess ... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE ... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the food.

Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay ... Yeah ... It's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make ... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shock-waves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.

Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know ... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
_________________________



Donít bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, thatíll freak you right out.

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#44971 - 09/07/15 07:40 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Magoo Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2101
Loc: Up a Tree
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy the Irishman on a plane.

Paddy ordered a Whisky.

The Stewardess asked the Muslim man if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips !".

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice".
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Old Skool Swamp Rat

All Hail the Magic Blade

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#44974 - 09/07/15 10:05 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Good ones guys.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44976 - 09/07/15 10:37 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Agreed, good ones- Ian is on a roll... Honorable mention for Magoo. wink

-carl


Edited by Carl Theile (09/07/15 10:39 AM)
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44977 - 09/07/15 06:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course, ' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
_________________________



Donít bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, thatíll freak you right out.

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#44978 - 09/07/15 06:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical

Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery, ' he answered.

'What did he say, ' asked the shocked nurse.

'Oops!'
_________________________



Donít bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, thatíll freak you right out.

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#44979 - 09/07/15 06:19 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4862
Loc: NSW
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini, ' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
_________________________



Donít bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, thatíll freak you right out.

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#44980 - 09/08/15 12:02 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3523
Loc: S/W Missouri
"Recent studies show that women who carry a few extra pounds live longer than the men who mention it".
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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