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#44719 - 08/13/15 08:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways and he is told to meet the inspector at the
signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that two
trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Andy says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Andy, “and I’d use the manual lever
over there.”
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Andy continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal
box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“Well, in that case,” persevered Andy, “I’d rush down and use the public emergency
phone along the track.”
“What if that was vandalized?”
“Oh, well, then I’d run into the village and get my uncle Silas.” This puzzled the
inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44721 - 08/13/15 09:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
I like that one Ian.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44738 - 08/15/15 07:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come
in packs of three or six and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been
seeing this beautiful girl for a while and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s ‘the’ night. We’re
having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna
get lucky after that.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, at
the dinner table with his girlfriend and her parents, he asks if he might give the blessing. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for ten minutes. The girl leans over and whispers to
him, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans to her and
whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44739 - 08/15/15 07:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a
white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife
explained that she’d had a party the night before. They had played a game called “Who’s
Who” in which each of the men had put his equipment through the hole and the women tried
to guess their identity.
“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the milkman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”
“You should have been,” said the housewife. “Your name came up three times.”
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44749 - 08/17/15 10:24 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Not one of the better ways to be known, I recon. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44750 - 08/17/15 10:27 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least:

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44760 - 08/18/15 02:15 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3433
Loc: S/W Missouri
Good one! laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44809 - 08/24/15 03:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
Two Irish nuns have just Arrived in Australia by boat, And one says to the other,

"I hear that the people in This country actually eat Dogs."

"Odd," her companion Replies, "but if we shall Live in Australia, we Might as well do as the Australians do."

As they sit, they hear a Push cart vendor yelling,

"Hot Dogs, get your dogs Here," and they both Walk towards the hot dog Cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says One. The vendor is very Pleased to oblige, wraps Both hot dogs in foil and Hands them over. Excited, The nuns hurry to a bench And begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is First to open hers.

She begins to blush, And then, after staring At it for a moment, leans To the other nun and in A soft brogue whispers:

"What part did you get?"
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

Top
#44810 - 08/24/15 03:27 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to... ' 'Oh, no need to explain, ' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it, ' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus, ' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with... ' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied.

And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes ... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away... ' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted.
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

Top
#44813 - 08/24/15 10:53 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
(Grin)
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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