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#44815 - 08/24/15 12:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Q: What do you call a French man who’s been attacked by a bear?

A: Claude.
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#44829 - 08/24/15 09:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4825
Loc: NSW
Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
Q: What do you call a French man who’s been attacked by a bear?

A: Claude.

LOL, and then some. grin
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Why do my knees always sound like a Goat chewing on an aluminium can?? frown

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#44831 - 08/25/15 12:55 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4825
Loc: NSW
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads:

WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads"

NOW THERE ARE TWO!
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#44832 - 08/25/15 01:01 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4825
Loc: NSW
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
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#44837 - 08/25/15 11:06 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Brilliant! Twice!

-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44838 - 08/25/15 11:17 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
A state trooper just pulled me over.
He walked up to my car and opened his ticket book.

I said, “you’re going to try to sell me a ticket to the Louisiana State Trooper Ball aren’t you?”

He replied, “Louisiana State Troopers don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence.

Then he closed his book, walked back to his car, and drove away.
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#44841 - 08/26/15 01:53 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3478
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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#44842 - 08/26/15 04:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4825
Loc: NSW
Senior pick up line:

A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid nineties.

He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

He presented a very well looked after image,

Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says,

"So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Why do my knees always sound like a Goat chewing on an aluminium can?? frown

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#44843 - 08/26/15 04:55 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4825
Loc: NSW
A mother and little boy are visiting the zoo. They pass by the elephant enclosure when suddenly the elephants walk out into the open. The little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, that's nothing." She quickly leads him away.

Some time later, the boy is taken to the zoo by his father, and as they pass the elephant enclosure the child points again and asks his dad: "What's that?'

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"But mother said it was nothing!" said the boy.

The father smiles, draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
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#44844 - 08/26/15 04:57 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4825
Loc: NSW
Two Priests

They were determined to make this a real vacation

by not wearing anything that would identify them

as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed

for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,

Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ... They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, 'Good Morning, Father Good Morning, Father, ' nodding and addressing each of them individually. Then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said, 'Good morning, Father Good morning, Father, ' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen...
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