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#44612 - 08/05/15 03:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Excuse me, I need to pee.'

The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44613 - 08/05/15 04:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to an old homeless fella.

He said: Last week, I still had everything!!!

A cook prepared my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed & pressed;

I had a roof over my head, TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.

I asked him what happened, Drugs, Alcohol, Gambling, a Female?

No, No he answered ... I Got Out Of Prison.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44615 - 08/05/15 05:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
That is my backup retirement plan ...or would be if they'd let me roam about the country till I got so stove-up I needed some TLC. wink

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44618 - 08/05/15 07:37 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Online   content
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5139
Loc: Always on the move
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.”
“Well, what are you going to do, then?” Luther asks.

“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.”

“Yeah,” Luther agrees.

“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.”

“I remember,” Luther says.

“Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

“Yep,” Luther says. “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“Well,” Billy Bob says, “this year I’m taking Earlene with me.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44637 - 08/06/15 08:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
RussMo Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 01/30/13
Posts: 290
I about fell over on this one. Sent to my niece and she called me back laughing/crying.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

& this just for a fun!!!





Edited by RussMo (08/07/15 01:51 PM)

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#44638 - 08/07/15 12:28 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RussMo]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3687
Loc: S/W Missouri
Russ, that's COLD!!! grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44647 - 08/07/15 07:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $ .99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44648 - 08/07/15 07:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
Depressed?

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) they said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, the Government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

Now, in Canada, we can only retire at 67, not 65. The government officials get the big bucks in their pocket and can retire at 55 with full protected pension while the taxpayers, us, slave for pennies and they're even getting rid of them. Go figure.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Old Age Security, retirement funds, etc, I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 3 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could fly a plane or drive a truck.

Folks, we're screwed
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44670 - 08/09/15 09:25 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3687
Loc: S/W Missouri
Sad but true. smirk
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44674 - 08/09/15 12:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Online   content
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5139
Loc: Always on the move
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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