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#44561 - 07/31/15 05:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver," where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I知 not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#44562 - 07/31/15 05:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no; in fact, he got out three times to pee."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I知 not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#44563 - 07/31/15 05:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I知 not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#44564 - 07/31/15 05:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I知 not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#44567 - 07/31/15 10:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
I love the drunk Irish jokes Ian. Good ones!
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44570 - 08/01/15 05:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
For sure! laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44574 - 08/01/15 08:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Drumrboy
I love the drunk Irish jokes Ian. Good ones!


Add me to that list... smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44575 - 08/01/15 09:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I知 not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#44576 - 08/01/15 09:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to

Morris and said, "You're really doing great aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:

'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said "I didn't say that ... I said,

'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!!"
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I知 not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#44577 - 08/01/15 09:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5583
Loc: NSW
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice creamparlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly,"Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis." grin
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I知 not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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