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#44428 - 07/22/15 12:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
DB- Good one, but no-one passes my porch and I ain't got traditional grandchildren. Daughter says her horses and dogs are my grandchildren...

...so for the last 10 years I been shoveling $hit. Recon that is part of the forty slave years, so I got at least 20 left. smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44436 - 07/22/15 07:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these
techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of
trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”
The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”
The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready.
Now I do it in seven.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44437 - 07/22/15 07:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A woman went into the neighborhood grocery store and asked the grocer for a can of cat food.
Knowing that she didn’t have a cat, the grocer asked why she was buying the stuff. “It’s for my
husband’s lunch,” was the answer.
Shocked, the grocer said, “You can’t feed cat food to your husband. It’ll kill him!”
“I’ve been giving it to him for a week now and he likes it fine,” was her answer, and each day
the woman continued to come in and purchase a can of cat food for her husband’s lunch.
It wasn’t too much later that the grocer happened to be scanning the obituary column in the
local paper and noticed that the woman’s husband had passed away. “When the woman came into
the store, he couldn’t resist saying, “I’m sorry to hear about your husband, but I warned you that
he’d die if you kept feeding him cat food.”
“It wasn’t the cat food that killed him,” she retorted. “He broke his neck trying to lick his
ass!”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44438 - 07/22/15 08:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44442 - 07/22/15 11:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Ever since they got married, Jan had a padlocked chest by the foot of their bed. Despite his
pleading from time to time, she never revealed the contents to her husband, Bill. Finally, on
their silver anniversary, she agreed to let him see the contents. He watched anxiously as she
unlocked the chest and opened the lid. Inside were two ears of corn and fifteen thousand
dollars. He looked at the chest and looked at his wife. Jan said, “It is like this: Every time I
cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn.” He was surprised to learn she has been unfaithful.
But twice in twenty-five years wasn’t that bad, so he smiled and asked, “What about the
money?”
“Well, every time I reached a bushel, I sold it.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44444 - 07/23/15 06:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A woman goes to her Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The doctor asks: "Whits gean on Janet?

"Weeell Doctor, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

"Aye, well" replies the doctor, "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

"Doctor that was brilliant!" she says. "Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc ... wha's the secret? How's the water do tha'?"

"Janet, hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44445 - 07/23/15 06:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A wife came home and found her husband in bed making love to an attractive young woman and she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead, ' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44446 - 07/23/15 10:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
grin
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44479 - 07/25/15 10:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Smirk...
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44491 - 07/27/15 09:28 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee!” she said.

“Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.

He nodded and said… “Your stance is far too wide.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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