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#44280 - 07/10/15 09:16 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before
long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire
chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved! I will give fifty thousand dollars to the engine company that brings them out
safely!”
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the
blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered
$100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files. In the
distance, a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local
volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over sixty-five. To everyone’s amazement,
the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the
middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old-timers hopped
off their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would
double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they
intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and
said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44284 - 07/11/15 07:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Things that men know:

1. Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

9. Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44318 - 07/13/15 09:18 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children on his TV show. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.
All denied being obsessed with anything. “You are — all of you!” he insisted.

“You are obsessed with eating,” he said to the first mother. “You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

She hung her head in shame.

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is with money: Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

She gave a resigned nod.

He turns to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

She looked at her little girl with a tear in her eye.

But before Dr. Phil could say another word, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, “Come on Dick, we’re leaving.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44325 - 07/14/15 04:11 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44327 - 07/14/15 09:20 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
An old geezer, who had been a retired fireman for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Paul Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh! This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so — ” Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44328 - 07/14/15 09:24 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Joshua R. Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2872
That was awesome.

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#44334 - 07/15/15 08:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A driver is pulled over by a policeman and the policeman approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the trunk if you’d like to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44339 - 07/15/15 08:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
One afternoon the red phone on Prime Minister Thatcher’s desk rang.
Gorbachev was on the line, asking an urgent favor. “The AIDS virus has reached the USSR,
and we are suffering from an acute condom shortage. In fact,” the premier confessed, “there are
none at all to be had in the Moscow pharmacies. Would it be possible for you to ship me eight
hundred and fifty thousand condoms—immediately—so that we can deal with this public health
threat?”
“Why, certainly, Mikhail,” replied Mrs. Thatcher graciously. “Will Friday do?”
“That would be wonderful,” sighed the Russian in evident relief. “Oh, and Maggie, one
specification: they must be five inches around and nine inches long.”
“No problem at all,” the prime minister assured him breezily. Hanging up, she had her
secretary get the managing director of the largest condom manufacturer in Great Britain on the
line. He informed her that a rush order to those specifications would be no problem for his
assembly line.
“Excellent, excellent,” chirped Thatcher. “Now just two more things . . .”
“Yes, Madam?”
“On the condoms must be printed, ‘Made in Great Britain,’” Thatcher instructed.
“But of course,” the industrialist assured her.
“And ‘Small.’”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44351 - 07/16/15 08:07 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
One day on a busy street corner, a huge man walks up to a police officer and says, “Thcuse me
offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?”
The police officer doesn’t reply.
The large man asks his question again, but still no reply.
Finally the frustrated man walks away. An onlooker then walks up to the officer and asks,
“Officer, why didn’t you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento is?”
The police officer replies, “Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#44425 - 07/22/15 09:00 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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