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#44238 - 07/05/15 08:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A girl brings her boyfriend over to her house so that he can meet her parents. They’re sitting on
the couch when her parents walk in. He’s got a surprise question to ask them, which even
surprises her. He wants to marry her. He is so nervous, and says to her father,

“Sir, may I have your daughter’s hole in handy matrimony?”
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Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44239 - 07/05/15 09:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy
marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life, he should
cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room
downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living, so he
headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”
She laughed and replied, “I was coming down to kill you!”
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44241 - 07/06/15 09:15 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3433
Loc: S/W Missouri
shocked........................... laugh laugh laugh
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#44260 - 07/08/15 04:56 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.

"Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.

I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father.

"We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived.

"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too..."
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44261 - 07/08/15 05:00 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses, ' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44262 - 07/08/15 05:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles...

The interviewer grimaces and then say, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours; we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44272 - 07/10/15 12:47 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3433
Loc: S/W Missouri
Sounds about right! grin
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#44273 - 07/10/15 12:59 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Those are a couple god ones Ian.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44278 - 07/10/15 06:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
A young woman was walking toward the bus stop when she saw a little old man sitting on the
curb, sobbing his heart out. Moved by his grief, the woman bent over and asked him what was so
terribly wrong.
“Well, you see,” choked the old man, “I used to be married to this awful bitch. She was fat
and ugly, never put out, the house was a pigsty, and she spent my money like water. She wasn’t
even a decent cook. My life was hell.”
His listener clucked sympathetically.
“Then she died,” sobbed the old man, “and I met this beautiful woman. Twenty-eight years
old, a body like Sophia Loren and a face like an angel, a fabulous cook and housekeeper, the
hottest thing in bed you could possibly imagine, and—can you believe it?—crazy about me! She
couldn’t wait to marry me, and treats me like a prince in my own home.”
“This doesn’t sound so bad,” said the young woman.
“I tell you, I’m the luckiest man in the world.” The old coot bent over in a racking spasm,
convulsed with sorrow.
“Well, then,” said the woman tentatively, “what’s to be so unhappy about? Why are you
sobbing on the street corner?”
“Because,” he sobbed, “I can’t remember where I live!”
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#44279 - 07/10/15 07:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
Sister Christen’s first post as a missionary was in a remote tribal area in East Africa. She
realized that the first step in converting the heathen would be to teach them her language.
She began with the tribal chieftain. Leading him into the countryside, she pointed out a
banyan tree and said, “Tree.”
“Tree,” the chief repeated obligingly.
Next they came across a herd of monkeys. “Ba-boons,” explained Sister Christen.
“Ba-boons,” he repeated.
“Very good.” The nun beamed.
At the riverbank they encountered a herd of hippopotami.
“Hip-po-pot-a-mus,” repeated the tribesman dutifully. And then, what should they
encounter in the rushes at the water’s edge but a couple making love. Blushing scarlet, the
nun blurted, “Man on bicycle.”
Paying no attention, the chief thrust his spear into the man’s back.
“Chief, why did you kill him?” screamed the horrified nun.
“Him on my bicycle,” he explained with a shrug.
_________________________


Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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