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#44139 - 06/30/15 02:47 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4907
Loc: NSW
The aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of the pigpen when the old
woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill the pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Elmira,” he finally answered, “I don’t see
why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44164 - 06/30/15 10:20 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3550
Loc: S/W Missouri
They MUST be from Missouri! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44179 - 07/01/15 02:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44184 - 07/02/15 08:51 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
You know you are over the hill when..........

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large…In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digits.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

29. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

30. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44185 - 07/02/15 08:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
A woman with her own business was thriving based on her sterling reputation. When she decided she needed a lawyer to help her incorporate, she was worried that their typical reputation might stain hers, so she was carefully interviewing the available business lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest! Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me $105,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case!”

“Impressive,” she said. “I think you just may have the job.”

But then she saw a suspicious twinkle in his eye.

“Just a minute,” she said. “What was your first case?”

“Well,” he said, “my dad sued me for the money.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44186 - 07/02/15 04:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4907
Loc: NSW
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood, ' the sinner replied. 'Very well, ' sighed the priest. 'Go and say three Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a

reflection from her shoes... '
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44187 - 07/02/15 04:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4907
Loc: NSW
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked

.'Well, I can think of one thing, ' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,

I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her

alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked

him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled,

'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?''

"Couple of minutes ago."
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44188 - 07/02/15 04:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4907
Loc: NSW
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses,

the best vestry wine, Fosters on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#44191 - 07/03/15 01:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3550
Loc: S/W Missouri
GREAT ones!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44196 - 07/03/15 07:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4907
Loc: NSW
After filing their personal tax returns by July 30th, many Australians will again receive a tax refund.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:

Q. What is a tax refund payment?

A. It's money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q ... Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a very small bit of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at K Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on fuel, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to football games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only "truly" Australian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a football game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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