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#44070 - 06/25/15 11:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the high-society people in town. To
show how classy they were, she decided at the very last minute that snails should be served, but
all the stores were closed. So, she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she
was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket and
walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little farther down the beach. He
kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to
me?” He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful
woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her
apartment a little ways down the beach. “When they got there, they started fooling around. It got
so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out. At six thirty the next morning,
he woke up and yelled, “Oh my gosh! My wife’s dinner party! She’ll kill me!!” He gathered all
his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket of snails, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. As he started running up the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails. Snails went flying and were all over the stairs. Just then the door
opened, and his angry wife was standing there, wondering where he’d been all this time.
He looked at the snails scattered on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails
and said: “Come on, little guys, we’re almost there!”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44071 - 06/25/15 11:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first man if he
had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter
told him that he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.
Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife and the man
admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.
The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to
his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.
A week later, the three men were driving around, and they all stopped at a red light. The
men in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They
asked him what could possibly be the matter—after all, he was driving a luxury car.
“I just passed my wife,” he told them, “and she was on a skateboard.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44076 - 06/26/15 07:54 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops – a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!,” the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, “And why not?”

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#44088 - 06/26/15 08:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4085
Loc: S/W Missouri
Another of Life's lessons! grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#44110 - 06/27/15 09:25 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Good ones. Several unbidden chuckles...

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44125 - 06/29/15 04:49 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the small town, and if
found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his life behind bars. The case had not been
proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no direct evidence, the circumstantial
evidence was quite compelling. The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the
minds of the jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.
Lawyer: “And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse?”
Doctor: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you perform CPR?”
Doctor: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive prior to declaring him
dead?”
Doctor: “No.”
Lawyer: “Then, Doctor, isn’t it possible that prior to your declaring the victim dead, he may
in fact have been alive, and that it was your negligence that caused the death?”
Doctor: “Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he could have been out
practicing law.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44126 - 06/29/15 04:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
The comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and was dazzled by the skill and
virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she
realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
“Oh, Sam,” she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, “isn’t there some way we can be
together, the way we were meant to be?”
Shaking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her roundly for her lack of
discretion and good judgment. “Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on
the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motel rooms—is that really what you want for us?”
“No . . . no . . .” she sobbed, heartsick.
“Oh,” said the lawyer. “Well, it was just a suggestion.”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44133 - 06/29/15 09:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
“Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he could have been out practicing law.”

Hilarious!

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#44136 - 06/30/15 01:36 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won
the lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the bloody house by noon!”
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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#44138 - 06/30/15 02:45 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6583
Loc: NSW
One day the Israeli soldier at the checkpoint on the military highway addressed the Arab
riding along on his donkey, his aged wife trudging before him. “I’ve been watching you go
by every morning for months,” the guard commented, “and you always ride and your wife is
always on foot. Why?”
“Wife no have donkey,” replied the Arab with a shrug.
“I see. But why does she walk in front of you? Is that the custom of your people?”
The Arab shook his head. “Land mines,” he explained.
_________________________


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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