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#43852 - 06/17/15 08:03 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Great one Ian. Thanks for that!
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43859 - 06/18/15 07:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
One night Judge O’Brien tottered into his house very late and very drunk indeed, so bombed that
he had managed to throw up all over himself. In the morning he sheepishly told his wife that a
drunk sitting next to him on the train home had managed to vomit all over him.
The judge managed to make it into the courthouse, where it occurred to him that his story
might not be truly convincing to his wife. Inspired, he called home and said, “Honey, you won’t
believe this, but I just had the drunk who threw up on me last night show up in court, and I gave
him thirty days.”
“Give him sixty days,” said the judge’s wife. “He s*** in your pants, too.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43865 - 06/19/15 12:23 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year-old single malts, and has the
bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downs each one.
“Whew,” the bartender remarks, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be, too, if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asks.
“Fifty cents.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43866 - 06/19/15 12:49 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
A naive young fellow got engaged to a lovely girl, and when they went in for their blood
tests, it quickly became apparent to the doctor that the husband-to-be had no idea what
sexual intercourse consisted of. Taking pity on the bride, Dr. Jones explained about the
birds and the bees and the coconut trees, but the vague smile on the young man’s face was
unconvincing. The doctor’s second attempt to explain the ritual of the wedding night left the
groom-to-be smiling and nodding, but clearly baffled. So the good doctor gave it one more
try, to no avail.
Thoroughly frustrated, the doctor instructed the young woman to undress and lie down
upon the examination table. She obeyed happily enough, and Dr. Jones, a humanitarian
through and through, proceeded to demonstrate for the young man. For forty minutes he
demonstrated. Finally, sweaty and exhausted, he hauled himself up on his elbows, turned to
the fiancé, and said, “Now do you understand what I’ve been trying to tell you?”
At last a glimmer of comprehension came into the young man’s blue eyes. “I’ve got it
now, Doc,” he cried happily.
“Good, good,” said the doctor in relief, getting down from the table and pulling up his
pants. “Do you have any further questions?”
“Just one,” admitted the young man.
“Yes?” asked the doctor testily.
“All I need to know, Dr. Jones, is how often do I have to bring her in?”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43875 - 06/19/15 07:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.
His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it had only lasted three months, so he constructed a new plate and had stainless steel used as the basis.

But again in about three months the patient was back, and the stainless steel plate was corroded and failing.

This time he had the plate made with titanium, but once more it only lasted a matter of months before deteriorating beyond repair.

Totally baffled, he sent the patient to a dental professor known to be an expert in the construction of dental plates to see if he could solve this puzzle.

The professor examined his mouth and quizzed the man about his dental hygiene and diet. “There must be something very acidic that you eat a lot of.” The dentist said.

“To tell the truth,” the man replied, “My wife makes the absolute best hollandaise sauce in the world. I put it on everything.”

“Aha!” The professor exclaims. “Have your dentist make you a new plate out of chrome and you shouldn’t have any more problems!”

“Chrome?” The patent asks. “Why chrome?”

“Because,” the dentist replies, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43898 - 06/20/15 07:44 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Happy Birthday Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3985
Loc: S/W Missouri
OY! grin
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#43986 - 06/22/15 05:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
Mrs. Fisher, the sixth-grade teacher, tells the class that today they’re going to have a spelling bee.
Instructing the first kid to stand up, she asks, “Robert, what does your father do for a living? Say
it nice and clearly, and then spell it out.”
“My father’s a baker,” answers Robert. “B-A-K-E-R-R.”
“That’s not quite right, Robert. Try again,” chides Mrs. Fisher gently.
“B-A . . .” says Robert, thinking hard, “K-E-R.”
“Very good. Now, Cecily?”
“Doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R,” Cecily says smugly and sits down.
“Very good. Herbie?”
Herbie stands up and says, “Shipbuilder. S-H-I-T—”
“No, Herbie,” interrupts Mrs. Fisher. “Try again.”
“Ship . . . builder. S-H-I-T—”
“No, no, no. Go to the blackboard and write it out and you’ll see your mistake.”
As Herbie heads toward the front of the class, Mrs. Fisher turns to the next child, Lenny, who
jumps up and says, “My father’s a bookie. That’s B-double O-K-I-E, and I’ll lay you six to one
that that dope puts ‘shit’ on the board.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43987 - 06/22/15 05:42 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
Barry used to supplement his income by gambling at poker, joining games wherever he happened
to find himself. And he thought he’d seen it all, until he happened into a game in a little town in
Tennessee and found himself seated next to a German shepherd. A few hands later, the dog drew
a straight flush and collected the jackpot.
“Unbelievable,” exclaimed Barry. “I’ve played plenty of poker in my day but I never
imagined I’d see a dog win at poker.”
“Ah, we usually wipe him out,” said an old geezer at the table with a dismissive snort. He's a dead giveaway. “Every
time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43988 - 06/22/15 05:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
“I tell you, sir, Australia is a great country and I praise God that I came over,” the foreigner was
expounding to a new acquaintance. “Where else, I ask you, could it happen that you could do a
hard day’s work, then find yourself outside the gates, standing in the rain, waiting for the bus—”
“You call that great?” queried the man next to him at the bar.
“Ah, but wait now. A big black limousine pulls up and the boss opens the back door and says,
‘It’s a hell of a night to be out in the rain. “Why don’t you come in here and warm up?’ And when
you’re inside, he says, ‘That coat’s awfully wet—let me buy you a new one, all right?’ And after
he’s bought you a coat, he asks where you live and says, ‘That’s a long drive on a night like this,
why not come to my house?’ So he takes you to his big mansion and gives you a big meal and a
few drinks and a warm bed for the night and a hot breakfast and a ride back to work. I tell you,
this is a great country. It would never happen to me in my country.”
“And it happened to you here?” asked his acquaintance skeptically.
“No. But it happened to my sister.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43990 - 06/22/15 06:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
Apparently, this woman’s miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her
that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair
with a depilatory cream.
The women went to a drugstore and asked the pharmacist for assistance in selecting the
appropriate product.
He went on about how some depilatory creams were better for use on the legs and how
some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. Then he said, “May I ask where you
intend to use this?”
She replied “Well, it’s for my schnauzer.”
He said, “Okay, but you shouldn’t ride a bike for two weeks.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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