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#43785 - 06/14/15 05:57 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my

Aunt Mary. She was a marine in Afghanistan and she got on a transport back to her base still drunk.

Her plane got hit and crashed. She got out of the wreck in the middle of 40 enemy troops. She killed

30 of them with her rifle then she 7 more with her pistol, 2 with her knife and she killed the last one with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't **** with my Aunt Mary when she's been drinking."
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43786 - 06/14/15 10:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and La Leche classes with his expectant wife, the
proud new father remained by his wife’s bedside throughout labor and the delivery.
Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife’s hand afterward and said
emotionally, “Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth.”
“Okay, honey,” his wife replied. “Smile as hard as you can.”
Beaming down beatifically at his wife and newborn child, the man followed her
instructions. “That’s not so hard.”
She continued, “Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth.”
He obeyed, smiling broadly.
“Now stretch your lips as far as they’ll go,” she went on.
“Still not too tough,” he remarked.
“Right,” she snapped. “Now pull them over your head.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43787 - 06/15/15 01:46 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
The young Irish bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she
and her husband wished to start a family. “We’ve been trying for months now, Doctor
Keith, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.
“I’m sure we’ll solve the problem,” the doctor reassured her. “If you’ll just take off your
underpants and get up on the examining table . . .”
“Well, all right, Doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my
husband’s baby.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43793 - 06/15/15 12:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5227
Loc: Always on the move
When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That’s it. You don’t need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it’s sex and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican.

Somebody said, “All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that’s it.” But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: “Hey, Chuck, why don’t you come over on Sunday? We’re going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, we’ll have a hell of a time.”

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

When people got angry at you, they’d yell out “Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper.” Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. “Oh my goodness. It’s a pepperoni.”

Locker room talk would change. “Hey, man, how’d you do this weekend?”
“Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut.”

Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.’s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick’s of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. “All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister.”

Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.

You’d be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. “Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?”

Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.

Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they’ll go blind.

Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43794 - 06/15/15 12:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5227
Loc: Always on the move
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes — $50.00
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: Jesus Saves

One of the prostitutes asks the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43795 - 06/15/15 04:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
(smirk)

This is quite a collection of humor...

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#43842 - 06/17/15 09:31 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5227
Loc: Always on the move
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You do not want to try these techniques at home!”
“Why not?” asked a man from the audience.

“After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife’s routine at breakfast,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.”

“What did you do?” the man in the audience asked.

“I said, ‘Hon, Why don’t you try carrying several things at once? It’d be much more efficient.'”

“Well, did your suggestions save much time?” the attendee asked.

“Actually, yes,” the efficiency expert said. “It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43847 - 06/17/15 04:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43848 - 06/17/15 04:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6249
Loc: NSW
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband...

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.

Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,

"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot ... And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the

Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who ****** up your hair?"
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43849 - 06/17/15 04:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Love that last one.

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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