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#43697 - 06/09/15 04:55 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
The woman nodded approvingly when shown the giant machine that spit out an endless
stream of rubber nipples.
“One of our steady sellers, lotsa babies being born these days,” Struthers explained.
Not much later the stockholder inquired as to the function of another huge machine
spitting out little rubber discs. “Condoms,” Struthers informed her. “Big sellers, too.”
“Understandably,” she commented. “But why’s that needle coming down and punching a
little hole in each one?”
“Hey,” he whispered conspiratorially, “we can’t let the nipple business go downhill now,
can we?”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#43703 - 06/09/15 08:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#43704 - 06/09/15 08:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood

before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much

discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and

the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the

pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering

ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his

chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rain coats."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#43714 - 06/10/15 08:47 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIlroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is. “Top o’ the mornin to ya.”

As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

“What are those things, laddie?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Rory.

“And what would ya be usin ’em for, now?” inquires the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Rory.

“Aw, Jaysus, Maryan’ Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43716 - 06/10/15 10:24 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Three great ones, Thanks!

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#43746 - 06/12/15 03:58 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
That last one cracked me up! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#43758 - 06/13/15 01:09 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Elko County. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Nevada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Elko County. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.

'"The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three KickRule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

Top
#43759 - 06/13/15 01:10 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A man enters a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If the rest of you is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#43763 - 06/13/15 06:12 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Both good ones Ian!
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43769 - 06/13/15 09:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Yep'! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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