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#43582 - 06/04/15 02:55 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
A young woman was sitting on the bus, cooing to her baby, when a drunk staggered aboard
and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked down and pronounced, “Lady, that is
the ugliest baby I have ever seen.”

The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other
passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing, so
loudly that finally the driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road.
“Look, I don’t know what that bum said to you,” the driver told his inconsolable
passenger, “but to help calm you down I’m going to get you a cup of tea.” And off he went,
coming back shortly with a cup of tea from the corner deli.

“Now, calm down, lady,” soothed the driver, “everything’s going to be okay. See, I
brought you a cup of nice hot tea, and I even got a banana for your pet monkey.”
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43583 - 06/04/15 03:46 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Happy Birthday Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3985
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh
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#43593 - 06/04/15 05:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Good one Ian.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43607 - 06/05/15 12:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
“That`s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, “That`s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

“I`m getting a Fax,” he explains
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43648 - 06/07/15 04:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it’s free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part — you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat or sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43651 - 06/07/15 05:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
lol. Good one. grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43693 - 06/09/15 03:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43694 - 06/09/15 04:30 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
LMAO. grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43695 - 06/09/15 04:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
A man had been walking across a street, when all of a sudden he was clobbered by a hit-andrun
driver. He died and was welcomed into Heaven by St. Peter.
“Life here is very similar to life down there,” the saint said, pointing down to earth.
“You can still get hurt up here, but it’s offset by the fact that nothing is illegal and
everything is free. Just be careful, and enjoy yourself.”
Amazed and somewhat bewildered, the man started to take in the sights. Not watching
where he was going, he stepped off the curb and was almost run over by an Oldsmobile
Cutlass. “Wow, who the heck was that?” the man wondered aloud.
“That was Mr. Olds,” said St. Peter. “He’s a driving maniac, but you’ve got to be careful
if you’re going to stay here.”
The newcomer nodded and continued on. A minute later, as he was carefully crossing
over to a striptease joint, a speeding Cadillac nearly ran him over.
“Goddamn it! Who the hell was that asshole?” he screamed at St. Peter, who was still
keeping an eye on him.
“None other than Mr. Ford. As you can see, the idiot enjoys driving fast,” replied St.
Peter. “I know it’s difficult, but do try to be careful.”
The man made extra sure before he attempted a third crossing, but just as he was about
to reach the other side successfully, a Maserati driven by some long-haired freak appeared
out of nowhere and bumped him back across the street.
“Okay, who the hell was that lunatic?” he screamed as he lay sprawled at the saint’s feet.
“Keep your voice down,” St. Peter hissed. “That’s the boss’s son.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43696 - 06/09/15 04:49 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6352
Loc: NSW
The orderly’s duties included bringing his new boss a cup of coffee at six o’clock every
morning, and every morning the boss was enraged because the coffee cup arrived two-thirds
full. None of his insults and fits of rage produced a full cup of coffee, until he threatened the
fellow with a one-third cut in pay.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee full to the brim, and the morning
after that, and the morning after that. Finally, the boss couldn’t resist smugly
complimenting the orderly on his mastery of the new technique, without spilling a drop.
“Oh, there’s nothing much to it, sir,” admitted the fellow cheerfully. “I take some coffee
in my mouth right outside the mess hall, and spit it back in outside your door.”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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