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#43533 - 06/01/15 08:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Two strangers met on a golf course and the conversation came around to their occupations. The
first man said he was in real estate; in fact, he owned a condominium complex that was just
visible in the distance.
The second man said he was a professional assassin. His new acquaintance was skeptical until
the man took some pipes out of his golf bag and assembled them into a rifle.
“I’ll be damned,” said the first guy.
“The best part of this rifle is the high-power scope,” confided the assassin, handing him the
gun.
“You’re right,” said the first man. “I can see into my apartment with it. There’s my wife . . .
and she’s in there with another man!” Furious, he turned to the assassin and asked how much he
charged for his services, to which the reply was, “A thousand dollars a bullet.”
The man said, “I want to buy two bullets. I want you to kill my wife with the first one and
blow the guy’s balls off with the second.”
Agreeing to the offer, the assassin looked through his scope and took aim. Then he lifted his
head and said, “If you’ll hang on a minute, I can save you a thousand dollars.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43534 - 06/01/15 08:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One
candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and wellspoken.
The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn’t seem to stop
winking.
So the personnel director decided to be frank. “You’ve got all the qualifications for the
job, and I’d really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I’m afraid that facial tic of yours
might put clients off.”
“I’m glad you brought that up, sir,” said the candidate, “because all I need to make that
annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I’ve got some on me.” And
he began emptying his pockets onto the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see
dozens of packages of condoms piling up—ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones,
every variety imaginable.
“Aha,” cried the young man happily, “here they are.” He brandished two aspirin tablets,
swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute.
“So much for the wink,” said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain
of rubbers, “but what about all this stuff here? I don’t want the company to be represented
by some wild womanizer.”
“No fear. I’m a happily married man.”
“So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?”
“It’s quite simple, sir,” the fellow assured him earnestly. “Did you ever go into a
drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a box of aspirin?”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43541 - 06/01/15 11:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Fernandez had made a lot of money in show business as a ventriloquist and decided to retire as a
gentleman farmer. He found a farm he liked, but he thought it was somewhat overpriced, so he
decided to have some fun with the farmer as they toured the outbuildings.
“How’s the barn holding up?” he asked, turning toward the sway-backed horse in a corner
stall.
“The roof leaks and the tractor’s thirty-five years old,” replied the horse. The farmer, not
realizing it was Fernandez throwing his voice, turned pale.
“Mooo,” said the cow in answer to the ventriloquist’s next question. “My stall’s falling apart
and the feed’s all moldy.”
The farmer started to quake.
Next were the chickens. “Need a new coop, holes in the wire,” they cackled.
“Just a dang minute,” interrupted the farmer, grabbing his prospective buyer by the shoulders.
“Don’t talk to the sheep—they lie.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43542 - 06/01/15 11:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
As a merchant in the caravan business, Ahmed was well aware that a neutered camel can go
longer and further without water than one which has not been neutered. But although he knew he
was losing money, he couldn’t bear the thought of inflicting such pain on his lead camel, which
was really more of a pet than a beast of burden.
“Walking through the bazaar one day, he found the solution to his dilemma: a sign that read
“Camels Gelded Without Pain.” Making inquiries of the stall’s proprietor, he was assured that the
operation was quick and absolutely painless. There would be no suffering. A price was negotiated
and the merchant returned the next day with his favorite camel in tow. The camel gelder picked
up two bricks, approached the camel from the rear, took aim, and smashed the bricks together
with a sound like a thunderclap. With a bellow of agony, the camel collapsed to its knees.
The merchant was horrified. “You promised it would be painless!” he cried, cradling his
camel’s head.
“Why it is,” explained the gelder, “as long as you don’t get your thumbs caught between the
bricks.”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43543 - 06/01/15 11:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Joshua R. Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2872
Very good ones.

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#43547 - 06/01/15 11:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5655
Loc: NSW
Recently the director of a local municipal zoo, having acquired a rare Indonesian ape named
Oscar, was quite displeased to find that the large aggressive animal had broken free from
his cage and was roaming throughout the city. The matter was serious because the members
of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had had no experience in capturing
them.
The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help, and the secretary to the
mayor asked, “Have you looked in the Yellow Pages?”
The director said he hadn’t, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under “Animal
Capturing Service” he found a listing for the A-l Ape Apprehenders. He called them and
within twenty minutes a truck arrived at the administration office of the zoo.
A small man emerged and rushed to the director, who was waiting at the door.
“Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?” the little man asked.
The director said there was, about a half mile away.
“Hop in the truck,” the little man said.
The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and
immediately spotted Oscar in a tree on a branch about twenty-five feet above the ground.
The two men got out, went to the back of the truck, and the little man opened the door.
An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.
The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the
suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed-off shotgun,
which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat.
“Now,” the little man said, “I’m going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I’m
going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground, the dog will grab
the ape by the crotch. The ape, instantly and instinctively, will grab at his crotch with both
hands. You snap the handcuffs on and we’ve got him.”
The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said, “I’m not too sure
about this. What’s the gun for?”
The little man said, “Look, I’m an expert. I know what I’m doing and things will go just
fine. After all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it’ll never happen, but if the ape
should, by any chance, knock me out of the tree, shoot the dog!”
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43553 - 06/02/15 02:42 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
Wise move! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#43558 - 06/02/15 03:33 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Real signs...

Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43570 - 06/03/15 08:55 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43577 - 06/03/15 01:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3668
Loc: S/W Missouri
OUCH! grin
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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