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#43037 - 05/16/15 05:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling

Through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.

He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father,

"Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow's traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant.

She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the

Barn. And she too did not return for an hour.

Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly.

She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,

She broke into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"

She cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house

Looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you!

You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside,

Cupped his hand next

To his mouth, and yelled out...

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO" grin
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If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43038 - 05/16/15 05:41 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3687
Loc: S/W Missouri
THAT explains it!!! laugh laugh laugh
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#43040 - 05/16/15 06:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Online   content
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5139
Loc: Always on the move
Good one. That one made me chuckle.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43054 - 05/17/15 09:56 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3687
Loc: S/W Missouri
And it makes sense! grin
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#43066 - 05/17/15 07:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Online   content
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5139
Loc: Always on the move
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43070 - 05/17/15 10:30 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
Well at least he got his priority's right. grin
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43071 - 05/17/15 10:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5692
Loc: NSW
Please don't read this drinking coffee close to your computer keyboard ... you will regret it.



All in all it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, and malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage.

But more importantly for the story, it had been over 48 hours since I last took a dump. I tried to jump start the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with 6 cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the omission of the occasional tiny fart that big things would be happening soon.

Alas, I had to stop by the mall to pick up an order for my fiancee. I completed this task, and I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but bathroom protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

3. Poo on seat.

4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, Unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped my trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly shameful $hitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but big things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next-door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 DB louder than it needed to be.

Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. $hitter was blathering to Mrs. $hitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day. But I was too polite to yak about it in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, My day will be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off the wall. The sounds gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low RPM tone, Not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:

1. The next door conversation had ceased.

2. My colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come.

And

3. The bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underneath the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial Herald fart has ended his conversation in mid sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed in the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and running down the side onto the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next-door, I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony:

"Gotta go ... horrible ... throw up ... in my mouth ... not ... make it ... tell the kids ... love them ... oh God..." Followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult hold one's phone and wipe ones bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next-door, Followed by a string of swearwords and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, Small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the Last straw. I heard a flush, fumbling with the lock, And then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor would be forced to deal with this, But I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only leave the floor flooded with filth.

As I left I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Has he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a very long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- And I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#43073 - 05/17/15 11:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Online   content
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5139
Loc: Always on the move
I just woke my wife up laughing at that one.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43079 - 05/18/15 03:03 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3687
Loc: S/W Missouri
Ian, I think I'll use a different bathroom if I ever visit you! laugh
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#43082 - 05/18/15 09:27 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Joshua R. Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2872
Tears rolling after that one. LOL

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