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#42926 - 05/13/15 02:46 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Great jokes here!!! laugh laugh laugh
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#42935 - 05/13/15 04:50 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Private Klink]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Why Dogs are best!

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs

And Not Wives:

1. The later you are home, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

14. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.

Then open the door and observe who's happy to see you!
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#42943 - 05/13/15 07:59 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Three men are standing near a magical river and legend says that one who says something whilst jumping over the river will turn into it.
The first runs and jumps and yells, “Eagle”. He turns into an Eagle and flies away.

The second man runs and says, “Fish”. He turns into a fish, falls into the water, and swims away.

The third runs, but trips and screams, “Oh, sh*t!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#42944 - 05/13/15 08:00 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Good one Ian!
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#42968 - 05/14/15 08:52 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#43029 - 05/15/15 08:53 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Classes for Men

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43030 - 05/15/15 08:54 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, “Cry Sunday”, one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
“I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month.

He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”

The congregation gasped in horror.

The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

“Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident.

He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food.

He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it.

He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need.

Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations.

He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.”

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

“My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

That word is: STERNUM!”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#43031 - 05/15/15 09:25 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4027
Loc: S/W Missouri
Very good D/B! grin
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#43032 - 05/15/15 03:53 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
lol. good one. grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#43034 - 05/16/15 09:23 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Joshua R. Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2872
That last one was great.

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