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#42535 - 04/19/15 08:38 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
I have just been ham bushed by grandkids, I was sent into town to buy chips, jelly snakes and ice blocks, all good nutritious food. grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#42536 - 04/19/15 08:45 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Walmart took pride in the fact that they employed retired people for some positions.

This particular branch had employed someone who had retired from the Armed Forces. He was very well liked in his position as a greeter, both by staff and customers. There was only one problem, his time keeping. He was nearly always late, not much, five or ten minutes or so.

Anyway, the store manager calls him to speak to him about this. They sit down and the manager starts.

"You have been here six months and doing a great job. Everybody likes you. It is your time keeping. You are always a bit late. When you were serving in the Forces, if you went in ten minutes late, what was said?"

The greeter looks up at the ceiling for a few minutes then looks at the manager and says "When I went in they generally saluted, said 'Good Morning Admiral, can I get you some coffee!'"
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#42537 - 04/19/15 08:52 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample ... He pours the sample into the slot and waits...

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity ... It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco..."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results ... He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm ... Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo... (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours ... Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#42542 - 04/20/15 03:22 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
“Take a couple swings at that tree over there.” The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

“Holy smokes, you’ve got quite the arm! You’re absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.” The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

“That’s incredible!” Cried the foreman. “Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!”

“In the Sahara Forest.” Replied the lumberjack.

“Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” Asked the foreman.

“That’s why I’m here.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#42556 - 04/21/15 04:10 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Trumby
The greeter looks up at the ceiling for a few minutes then looks at the manager and says "When I went in they generally saluted, said 'Good Morning Admiral, can I get you some coffee!'"


A shame, but all too often close to true. I respect all of my elders just in case..... smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#42613 - 04/23/15 01:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Q: Why are redneck murders hard to solve?



A: No dental records and the DNA is all the same. -
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#42615 - 04/23/15 01:40 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
I believe that's true in Arkansas! laugh laugh laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#42618 - 04/23/15 04:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98, ' she replied.

'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96, ' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#42619 - 04/23/15 04:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. grin
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

Top
#42620 - 04/23/15 04:54 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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