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#35093 - 03/16/14 04:01 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
Luigi was way off shore in a little ten foot fishing boat and the motor wouldn’t start, the anchor couldn’t reach the bottom and the little boat kept blowing further off shore.

The only safety device he had on board was an old hand held 2 way radio, after playing around with it for a while he managed to get it to work.

Then making a number of calls on the 2 way, calling help me, help me, I am a Luigi and I need a your help. After a while a scratchy sound came back saying Captain John Smith flying Fokker Friendship F27, What is your problem? Come back.

I’m a Luigi, and my little boat is a filling with water and she will a sink.
Again silence then a message came back. Captain John Smith flying Fokker Friendship F27, What is your location, come back?
I’m a Luigi, please a help me! I’m a going to Drown, my little boat is a sinking.

Again silence, and then another scratchy message, Captain John Smith flying Fokker Friendship F27, What is your location? Come back.
By this time Luigi is getting frantic, so he replies, I don’t a want a you fokka friendship, I just want a your fokka help.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#35103 - 03/17/14 04:59 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
worldwood Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 01/17/13
Posts: 3295
Loc: Under your bed
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops all day and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older and wiser, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter
.. .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20.DID I POST THESE BEFORE..........??????


Edited by worldwood (03/17/14 04:59 AM)
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#35114 - 03/17/14 06:23 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says “Single are you?”

The man replies very sarcastically “How did you guess?”

She replies “because you’re ugly.”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#35115 - 03/17/14 07:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Hey-

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor took one look at me and slapped both of my parents ...and I'm married.

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#35134 - 03/18/14 07:38 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”

They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I farted and a house blew up!”
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#35135 - 03/18/14 11:48 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Now THAT'S funny!!!!!!!!!!!!! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#35189 - 03/20/14 04:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
worldwood Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 01/17/13
Posts: 3295
Loc: Under your bed
I cant get it to show here but this is a funny knife video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqoPXC60l_s#t=76


Edited by worldwood (03/20/14 04:35 PM)
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#35234 - 03/23/14 03:29 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
An Australian Bush Christmas Poem!


'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.
Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.

We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,
Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,
While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,
Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;
Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,
snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,
But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.

The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,
And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,
Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.

Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,
And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.

'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!
On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,
I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,
With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,
Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.
A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,
And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!
And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly
Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,
And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,
To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.
And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package he left for our Mum,
Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;
Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-
MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#35235 - 03/23/14 03:31 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, the group asked the standing bat: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the bat shouts back: "Yoga!"
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#35237 - 03/23/14 03:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5579
Loc: NSW
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewilderedly and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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