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#28171 - 09/25/13 11:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.


Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.


Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.


Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
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#28172 - 09/25/13 11:13 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.


"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."


The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.


"And what if I swallow it?"


"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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#28173 - 09/25/13 11:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
These are from actual resumes:


"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.


"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."


"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."


"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."


"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."


"Number of dependents: 40."


"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."


RESUME BLOOPERS


"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."


REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:


"Responsibility makes me nervous."


"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."


REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:


"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."


"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."


"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."


JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:


"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."


"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."


SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:


"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."


"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."


"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."


PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:


"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


PERSONAL INTERESTS:


"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."


SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:


"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."


"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."


"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."


"I'm a rabid typist."


"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
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#28174 - 09/25/13 11:14 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?


Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?


Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?


Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?


If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?


Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?


How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?


If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
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#28175 - 09/25/13 11:15 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"


"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"


"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.


About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"


"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.


"The sharks got 'em."
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#28176 - 09/25/13 11:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.


The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.


The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.


The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.


Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"


Answer... "They're Carol's."
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Never Stop Trying

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#28177 - 09/25/13 11:18 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings

Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria

Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarean section -- District in Rome

Cat scan -- Searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- Sheep dog

Coma -- A punctuation mark

Congenital -- Friendly

D&C -- Where Washington is

Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events

Dilate -- To live long

Enema -- Not a friend

Fester -- Quicker

Fibula -- A small lie

G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- Suitcase

Hangnail -- Coathook

Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- Got hurt at work

Medical staff -- Doctor's cane

Morbid -- Higher offer

Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate

Node -- Was aware of

Outpatient -- Person who had fainted

Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- Letter carrier

Protein -- Favoring young people

Rectum -- It almost killed him

Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- Amorous

Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- Hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- Study of knighthood

Tablet -- Small table

Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport

Tibia -- Country in North Africa

Tumor -- An extra pair

Urine -- Opposite of you're out
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#28178 - 09/25/13 11:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5231
Loc: Always on the move
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.


The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.


The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.


The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."


Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.


The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"


This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.


The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.


Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"


The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.


After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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#28184 - 09/25/13 11:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Similar:
A fella wants to catch some sleep on a flight, but the fella in the next seat wants to talk. The Sleepy fella says: What do you want? The talker says he wants to discuss some matter of importance, like nuclear fusion.

The sleeper says ok, but first answer a question: Deer, cows and horses eat the same basic stuff, yet horse dung is in clumps, cow dung is in patties, and deer dung is in clumps of pellets. Why is that. The talker thinks about it and says I dunno.

The sleeper says: How are you going to dscuss nuclear fusion with me if you don't know $hit?
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#28190 - 09/26/13 12:57 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6459
Loc: NSW
Washing the Dog

An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do.

"Oh, no," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the shopkeeper. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him."But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it.

A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the washing powder that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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