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#16625 - 01/07/13 09:59 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
After months of careful research, Bank of America have developed MALE & FEMALE Procedures for the proper usage of their Bank drive through ATM Machines, which other banks are thinking about implementing.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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#16626 - 01/07/13 09:59 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens the door, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.

The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
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#16627 - 01/07/13 10:01 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching
his wife, who was looking at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still
looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her
to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster,
everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where
he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her *favorite *candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure!*
*
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.*
*
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.
*
'I meant my dress size you idiot!!!!'
**_
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong._*
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#16628 - 01/07/13 10:02 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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#16629 - 01/07/13 10:05 PM Re: Giggles
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;14336
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


That one got to me.........
-carl
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#16630 - 01/07/13 10:15 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
It happens...just when you think you can get away with it...
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#16631 - 01/07/13 10:35 PM Re: Giggles
Carl Theile Online   content
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Drumrboy;14340
It happens...just when you think you can get away with it...


I never seem to get away with it ....someone gets a whiff and everyone looks my way. Go figure....
-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#16632 - 01/07/13 10:49 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
So a man is going to a viewing at a funeral home just a block or so from his house, so he decides to walk over. As he enters the funeral home, a coffin starts violently rocking back and forth, and then begins to move across the floor toward him! The man, frightened, runs out the door into the street only to have the coffin bust through the door and come straight toward him.

The man then turns, and runs down the street toward his house as fast as he can. Still, the coffin chases him. He goes into his house and locks the door tight behind. BOOM, the coffins slams straight through the front door. Up the stairs the man runs to his master bedroom. BOOM, the coffins still gets through the door.

Finally, the poor man runs into the master bathroom and shuts the door tight. BOOM, again enters the coffin. Out of options and nowhere left to go, the man reaches into the medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle of Robitussin. As he flings the liquid toward the looming menace, the coffin stops...
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#16633 - 01/07/13 10:54 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
Ten times when using the "f "word was probably acceptable:

10. "What the f was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those f Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any f idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f showers....My ***!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f mad." Osama bin Laden, November 2001
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#16634 - 01/09/13 11:01 PM Re: Giggles
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Jon, when it comes to humor...you're just FULL of it!...:D:D:D

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