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#16575 - 12/04/12 05:38 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
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Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
If a man speaks in the woods and his wife isn't there to hear him......
















......Is he still wrong?
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#16576 - 12/04/12 05:38 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama&#8217;s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the moron does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
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“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

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#16577 - 12/05/12 03:18 PM Re: Giggles
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6396
Loc: Outside, anywhere
I have totally enjoyed every one of these. Thanks for sharing....
-carl
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#16578 - 12/05/12 10:12 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his dinner before it was cool.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.

Two whales walk into a bar.
The first whale says to the other, &#8220;WOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.&#8221;
The second whale says, &#8220;Shut up Steve, you&#8217;re drunk.&#8221;

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, &#8220;Do you know how to drive this thing?&#8221;

Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: &#8220;Make me one with everything.&#8221;

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says &#8220;Let&#8217;s go in there for a pint.&#8221; Second guy, says, &#8220;They won&#8217;t let us in with our dogs.&#8221; First guy: &#8220;Sure they will, just follow my lead.&#8221;
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, &#8220;I can&#8217;t let you in here with that dog.&#8221; He replies, &#8220;Oh, I&#8217;m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.&#8221; The doorman says, &#8220;Ok then, come on in.&#8221;
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, &#8220;You can&#8217;t come in here with a dog.&#8221; He replies, &#8220;I&#8217;m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.&#8221; The doorman responds, &#8220;You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?&#8221; The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, &#8220;They gave me a chihuahua?&#8221;

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.

Why does a chicken coop always have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, you can&#8217;t participate in our service today.&#8221;
The higgs-boson particle says &#8220;What?! You can&#8217;t have mass without me!&#8221;

What is the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So, you&#8217;re the one.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it is actually full of stuff.

How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don&#8217;t worry they&#8217;ll tell you.

who is the roundest knight at king arthurs table?
Sir Cumfrence

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces &#8220;we&#8217;re just waiting for the pilots.&#8221;. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it&#8217;s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says &#8220;you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we&#8217;re all gonna die!&#8221;

Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?
Because his mother was in the pen and they didn&#8217;t know how long the sentence would be.
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“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

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#16579 - 12/05/12 10:16 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
_________________________
“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

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#16580 - 12/05/12 10:17 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
Two peanuts where walking down the road and one was a salted!
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“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

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#16581 - 12/05/12 10:18 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil.
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#16582 - 12/05/12 10:19 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










It's coming. .









The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
_________________________
“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

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#16583 - 12/05/12 10:19 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
Two Virginia hunters, Bob and Fred, were going on a hunting trip. They get to where they wanted to be and started walking.

After about a half hour of walking, they sit down and take a rest.

Bob says to Fred" I'm not feeling to good".

Fred says" well, we can walk back to the truck.

Bob says" yeah lets do that".

So they start walking. About 15 minutes into the trip, Bob falls over. Fred panics and calls 911.

The operator answers and says" 911, what's your emergency?"

Fred says "My friend fell over with a heart attack, I think he's dead, what do i do"?

Operator says, "Well first make sure he's dead".

Fred says, "Ok".

The operator listens and hears a BANG!!!

Fred gets back on the phone and says, "Ok. He's dead... now what?"
_________________________
“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

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#16584 - 12/05/12 10:21 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2314
Loc: In a phone booth near you
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

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