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#16535 - 11/30/12 01:27 AM Giggles
RobStanley Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 485
Loc: Straya
Let's start a thread full of jokes. Try to keep em clean (ish) laugh

Ok...

A font walks into a bar and the barman says "We don't serve your type here".

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#16536 - 11/30/12 01:35 AM Re: Giggles
Need2Know Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2784
A handful of guys visit a revamped Web site in hopes of comradery, ask for new and more designs of knives they would love to own, beg for a shirt to cover their nakedness and promote a brand they respect, request contests to give hope their posts do not land on deaf ears...but alas, "no joy" from the "top"....oh...wait...

This is no joke at all.

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#16537 - 11/30/12 09:22 AM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?


Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#16538 - 11/30/12 03:11 PM Re: Giggles
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
Three Aussie's were working on a cattle station - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off his horse, lands head first into a stump and is killed instantly.
After the flying doctor takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his missus."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of XXXX beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's missus gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of XXXX you are'."
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Sometimes I sit and wonder why Iím not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#16539 - 11/30/12 05:56 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then HID down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them.
I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…it took a step away.
I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt.
A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer– no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.
As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison.
I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.
At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go.
A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.
I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse -strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.
In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.
I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#16540 - 11/30/12 05:57 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#16541 - 11/30/12 06:07 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger
fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
And you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing."
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#16542 - 11/30/12 06:13 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#16543 - 11/30/12 07:14 PM Re: Giggles
Joshua R. Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2872
I love these guys. Keeps a smile on my face. Keep it going.

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#16544 - 11/30/12 08:01 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says what's with the steering wheel?...............................pirate says RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR It's driving me nuts.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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