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#52005 - 03/08/19 03:05 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So, he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr Young: “ Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr Young: ‘Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!”
Dr Geezer: “ Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr Young: “Oh, no you don’t -- that is Gasoline!”
Dr Geezer: “ Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr Young: “My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!”
Dr Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, “Here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr Geezer: “ Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story: Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52006 - 03/08/19 03:06 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Three surgeons are debating who makes the best patient to operate on. “Electricians are the best,” the first surgeon stated. “Everything inside is color coded and in neat bundles.”

The second surgeon says; “No, I think that librarians are the best! Everything inside them is neatly lined up and in alphabetical order!” The third surgeon then stated;

“You’re BOTH wrong! POLITICIANS are the easiest to operate on! No heart, no guts, no brain, no spine! And best of all,” he smiled, the head and the ass is interchangeable!”
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52007 - 03/08/19 03:17 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
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Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!


Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy!


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!


Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s giving off a terrible whining noise!


My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she’s sorry she ever married me!


My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason!


Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 per cent. It’s called a wedding cake!


Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup!


My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52008 - 03/08/19 03:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. “I wish to live forever,” I said. “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.” “Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Parliament is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!” “You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52009 - 03/08/19 03:26 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I didn’t like to see you standing there all by yourself!’

-----------------

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mum?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘are you giving up?’

-----------------------

Larry’s class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

---------------------

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’

His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy mom.

_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52015 - 03/09/19 12:00 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4056
Loc: S/W Missouri
Great ones all!!! laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#52023 - 03/12/19 02:24 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
Informed

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, “My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem.”

“High-speed modem?” questions the judge.

“Yes” replies the lawyer, “It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor.”

“Cybersex?” says the judge, “You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!”

“Secondly, my lord,” continues the lawyer, “My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom.”

“12-speed cd-rom?” queries the judge.

“Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk.”

“And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related ... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling,” comments the judge. “ ‘m appalled at what technology is doing to society these days.”

“Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is.”

“That’s the one with the silicone breasts and real hair,” replies the judge.
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52024 - 03/12/19 02:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

‘Excuse me Miss, do ye hae any books on suicide?’

The librarian stops doing her tasks, looks at him - over the top of her glasses and says,

‘Buggeroff, ye’ll no bring it back!’
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52025 - 03/12/19 02:36 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A man walks into a pastry shop and orders 5 pies, 3 sausage rolls and 2 cakes. As he leaves the shop he stumbles across a homeless man on the footpath who says, “I haven’t eaten for two days”, to which the man with the pastries replies; “I wish I had your willpower”!!!
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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#52026 - 03/12/19 02:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 6511
Loc: NSW
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday sermon after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for about ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so badly he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his Wife’s’ teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up...
_________________________


"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most................."

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