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#47694 - 05/30/16 10:16 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Great ones, Ian. smile

-carl
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#47701 - 05/30/16 04:21 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
An elderly man was in need of a heart transplant and his doctor was discussing his options with him.
“We have three possible donors, Mr. Smith.” the doctor said. “You’ll have to tell me which one you’d like us to use. The first is a healthy athlete who was killed in a car crash. The second is a middle-aged businessman who died in an accident, never having had a drink and never having smoked his entire life. The third is a lawyer who died after practicing law for 25 years.”

The patient thought it over and told his doctor that he would take the lawyer’s heart.After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient his reason for choosing the donor he did.

“It was an easy decision, doctor,” replied the patient. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47707 - 05/30/16 07:34 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4747
Loc: NSW
AROUND AGE 10, my dad got me one of those little badass long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. (Did you know that a 1955 40-horse Farmall tractor will take six rounds before it goes down? Tough SOB.)

That got boring, so being the ten-year-old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn’t any fire danger. I’ll put it this way: a set of post hole diggers and a three-foot hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it: to a ten-year-old old mouth-breather like myself, ether really doesn’t “sound” flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a one-pound can of dad’s muzzleloader Pyrodex.

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie ... one pound of Pyrodex and sixteen ounces of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I’m going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too.

Now we’re cookin’. I stepped back about fifteen feet and lit the two-stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released, I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck. OH CRAP! He just got home from work. So help me God it took ten minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes.

I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can.

Oh. Hell.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don’t know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 MF’n decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering one foot above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this ... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE!

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said “was”. That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground, blown completely out of my shoes, with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: “ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN’ EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!”

His hat has blown off and is thirty feet behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about two thousand feet over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s three-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don’t know. I know I said something. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t hear inside my own head. I don’t think he heard me either ... not that it would really matter. I don’t remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later ... Repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure ... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years, and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I’m trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It’s good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. grin grin grin
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Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but to skid in sideways, worn out, shouting 'holy $hit what a ride'! cool

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#47712 - 05/31/16 10:27 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Great on, Ian!! Sounds like you were a wild kid smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#47720 - 06/01/16 12:03 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Carl Theile]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3433
Loc: S/W Missouri
Always good for a laugh! laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#47722 - 06/01/16 03:15 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Best thing I've read all day Ian.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47723 - 06/01/16 03:15 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
I just bought condoms. The cashier asked if I needed a bag.
I just said “No, she isn’t that ugly”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47728 - 06/01/16 10:38 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Lost a bit-O-coffee on that one smile

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#47731 - 06/01/16 01:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Complaints from vacation spots...

1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

2. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47734 - 06/02/16 12:36 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Online   content
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3433
Loc: S/W Missouri
You're on a roll Jon! laugh laugh
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