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#49964 - 09/14/17 01:03 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:

“Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box again and exclaimed “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump too.”

The blond guy opened his lunch and said “Bologna again! If I get one more bologna sandwich one more time I’m also going to jump.”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and leaped off the scaffold. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw bologna again and leaped to his death also.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burrito’s so much.”

Everyone turned and looked at the blond guy’s wife and she said “Don’t look at me. He packed his own lunch.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49965 - 09/14/17 01:05 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

“Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

“I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49966 - 09/14/17 01:06 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
“Mom,” he said, “the other boys at school are using two words I don’t understand. Can you tell me what they mean?”

“Certainly,” Mom said. “What are they?”

“Pussy and bitch.” Mom inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly.

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy.”

Craig thanked his mother and ran out the door. But something about his mother’s explanation bothered him. So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage.

“Dad,” Craig said, “the guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”

“What words, son?” “Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don’t think she told me the right meanings.”

“Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you.” He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold and drew a circle around the pubic area.

“Everything inside the circle is pussy,” he said.

“Okay, Dad. Then what’s a bitch?”

“Everything outside the circle.”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49979 - 09/21/17 03:46 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Pearly words of wisdom! laugh laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49981 - 09/21/17 04:39 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
God’s Plan For Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom. If I remember the way.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49982 - 09/21/17 04:44 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
One morning, three women are golfing when suddenly a man runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well he’s certainly not my husband”. As he passes the second woman, she also glances downwards and says “He’s not mine either”.

Then he passes by the third woman who also checks out his lower parts and says, “Wait a minute ... he’s not even a member of this club!”
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49983 - 09/21/17 04:48 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
Socrates

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.

“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “Before you talk to me about Diogenes let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates, “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?”

“No, on the contrary...”

“So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?”

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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#49984 - 09/22/17 12:54 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3643
Loc: S/W Missouri
Or gathering up hemlock. laugh laugh
_________________________
A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#49988 - 09/24/17 01:12 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6329
Loc: Outside, anywhere
There is some great stuff here. Love it!

-carl
_________________________
Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#49989 - 09/24/17 05:28 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5585
Loc: NSW
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ‘Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.’

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.’

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, ‘Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson Motorcycle?

Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s me... ‘

God commented: ‘Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?’

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he finally spoke, ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you the Inventor of woman?’

God said, ‘Ah, yes.’

‘Well, ‘ said Arthur, ‘professional to professional you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, ‘ replied God, ‘hold on a moment.’

God went to his Celestial supercomputer and typed in a few words. He waited for the results.

Eventually the computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

‘It may be true that my invention is flawed, ‘ God said to Arthur, ‘but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours’.
_________________________


Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around me and realize maybe I already am.

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