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#47654 - 05/25/16 11:02 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
A kid has been using a lot of his dad’s money and the dad says, “Do you think money grows on trees?”
“Yeah,” says the kid.

“Well, it doesn’t,” says the dad.

“So what is money made out of, Dad?”

“Paper,” the dad says.

“And what is paper made out of?”
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47655 - 05/25/16 11:34 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Drumrboy]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3553
Loc: S/W Missouri
They must live in D.C. laugh
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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#47663 - 05/26/16 05:43 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4910
Loc: NSW
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried in vain to make a bit of small talk. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

“What in bag?” asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, “Good trade!”
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#47664 - 05/26/16 05:47 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4910
Loc: NSW
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep, ‘ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so ... I told the CIA.

“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s full of bull-shit. He’s never been out of the back yard.”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#47665 - 05/26/16 05:51 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4910
Loc: NSW
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”

“Yes, coach”, replied the little boy.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or shithead is it?”

“No, coach.”

“Good”, said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#47674 - 05/28/16 12:37 AM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Drumrboy Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4900
Loc: Always on the move
Good one Ian.
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Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#47675 - 05/28/16 08:58 PM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 5883
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Trumby

Good;, said the coach. Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!


smile

-carl


Edited by Carl Theile (05/28/16 08:59 PM)
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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#47684 - 05/29/16 06:32 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4910
Loc: NSW
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender’s lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to ask.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#47685 - 05/29/16 06:35 PM Re: Giggles [Re: RobStanley]
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 4910
Loc: NSW
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That’s ‘cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it’s a-comin’.”
_________________________



Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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#47689 - 05/30/16 01:43 AM Re: Giggles [Re: Trumby]
Private Klink Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 3553
Loc: S/W Missouri
Good come-back! smirk
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A proud Dog, Rat, and Hog

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