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#16545 - 11/30/12 08:12 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly German Shepherd along for the trip.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#16546 - 11/30/12 08:21 PM Re: Giggles
Drumrboy Offline
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5138
Loc: Always on the move
WIT AND WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL and others
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S.Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit t he ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons"
- General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be first, don't ever be last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... Once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you ."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base - Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you! always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
_________________________
Old School Swamp Rat

Never Stop Trying

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#16547 - 11/30/12 08:46 PM Re: Giggles
Dogtired Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 2311
Loc: In a phone booth near you
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind."

The rope walks out, twists himself up, and tousles his end. He walks back into the bar and sits down, asking again for a drink.

"Say, aren't you that same piece of rope I just threw outta here?" the bartender snarled.

"Nope," said the rope, "I'm a frayed knot."
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“There's no Justice like angry mob justice” --Seymour Skinner

Old School Rats

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#16548 - 12/01/12 07:36 AM Re: Giggles
RobStanley Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 485
Loc: Straya
For a while Houdini used to use trap doors in all of his acts. It was a stage he was going through.

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#16549 - 12/01/12 03:28 PM Re: Giggles
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5654
Loc: NSW
A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#16550 - 12/01/12 06:14 PM Re: Giggles
Trumby Online   content
Aussie Bush Rat
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 5654
Loc: NSW
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck
_________________________


If my wife asks....all guns cost five bucks and ammo is free !!!

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#16551 - 12/01/12 10:34 PM Re: Giggles
Magoo Offline
Die Hard Rat

Registered: 05/08/12
Posts: 2101
Loc: Up a Tree
[h=5]The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?' Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?' Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Compensation'
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Old Skool Swamp Rat

All Hail the Magic Blade

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#16552 - 12/02/12 07:39 AM Re: Giggles
RobStanley Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 485
Loc: Straya
Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself.

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#16553 - 12/02/12 04:18 PM Re: Giggles
Neus Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 130
Now this is a FUN thread... Laughing my butt off!
LOVVL

Great idea Rob!!!!
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Old School Swamprat


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#16554 - 12/02/12 09:37 PM Re: Giggles
Carl Theile Offline
Survivor
Rattus norvegicus

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 6374
Loc: Outside, anywhere
Originally Posted By: Neus;12770
Now this is a FUN thread... Laughing my butt off!
LOVVL

Great idea Rob!!!!


I'm with you, Neus, Rob had a great notion and we got some great jokes.
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Survivor- Old School Swamp Rat (2003)

You are not out of options until you quit.

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